Title: Blue Days and Black Nights
Author: FirePhile
E-Mail: FirePhile@aol.com
Classification: VA
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Redrum
Keywords: Doggett, Angst, a little pre-XF
Disclaimer: Not mine, 1013 and CC and FOX own this.
Summary: Post-Redrum, Why didn't Doggett and Wells talk for three
years? Who was that boy in the picture? And other questions about
Doggett's past.

Author's Note at end.

"Nice place," she said, careful not to drip water onto the floor, but
failed at her attempts.  She was glad to be inside away from the rain
and the barking dogs.  "You keep it very...clean."

He shrugged and walked towards the couch.  "A few years in the
Marines will change your habits."

"Right," she ran her hand over the coffee table - white glove test
indeed.  "It's interesting," she said after a moment, pretending she
didn't notice his discomfort.

"What is?"

"That he would come here - to you - for help."

"He knew I'd help him."

"But still, you hadn't talked in three years, John, ever since..."

"I know what happened, Vicky."

"Martin never found out," she stared at him for a moment.

"It doesn't matter if he found out, I still know what I - what we - did."

She looked away and sat on the couch, flipping through a magazine.

"How is Alicia?"

"You've talked to her more recently than I have.  Why are you here?"
He suppressed a sigh.

"I wanted to thank you for my saving my life.  If you hadn't shot that
man, Martin and I would be dead right now."

"It's my job to protect people."

"We weren't a case, you went beyond the job and put yourself on the
line for him, for me, and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated
it."

"You're welcome," he'd have felt more comfortable if he wasn't
wearing flannel pants and an old USMC T-shirt, but she'd seen him in
less.  He folded his arms over his chest, trying to tell her that now
would be a good time for her leave, but the truth was, he'd missed her.

She paused a moment before speaking.  "The last time I saw you was
after the divorce.  How are you doing?"  

"Honestly? I've been better.  It's been a strange and rough couple of
months."

She nodded slightly, "I saw you on the news a few months ago.  You
were heading an FBI Manhunt.  You looked so calm -- so in control. 
If you don't mind me saying so, you don't look that way now."

"Yeah...as I said, rough couple of months," he didn't want to get
into it, not with her.

"I'm surprised to find you alone," she changed the subject easily, it
was one of her strong points.

"Are you calling me a ladies man, Vicky?"

"I know that before you married Alicia, you had a different girlfriend
every other week."

"You didn't know me before Alicia."

"Yes, but Martin told me some stories....my point is, why aren't you
with anyone now?"

He tried to smile or tell a joke but all that came out was the truth.  "It's
this damn assignment.  I don't have time for a girlfriend right now."

"Why?  Your job never stopped you before."

"I never had a partner like Dana Scully before." 

She looked at him and he waved it off, "Not that way.  She just - I
can't keep track of her.  I'm used to doing this job 9 to 5, more time on
cases, but she's always there when I arrive in the mornings and when I
leave at night.  I don't think she goes home sometimes and even when
there's nothing to do she's still sitting at that desk.  When we do have a
case, occasionally she's there but most of the time it's like she's having
these private arguments with herself and I'm only hearing half the
story."  He looked up, surprised at his outburst, he had no idea those
feelings were lurking in him. Emotional displays were not his style.

"And you're concerned?"

He smiled slightly, "I don't know what the hell I am.  I'd kill for a
normal case right about now.  I couldn't possibly feel less appreciated
or useful.  On one case...a little boy about Luke's age...and the only
thing I accomplished was to crush a family's hopes.  I'm used to
feeling like I helped someone, like the hours I put into it were worth it,
but none of these things have closure and my partner doesn't
seem at all concerned."

She nodded slightly, "When Martin first became a prosecutor, I
remember hating his job.  I never understood the war on drugs and it
seemed like a waste of time to prosecute it...I worked on the other side,
I wanted to give people a second chance.  But...when the victim's
families came up to him and tearfully thanked him, when
a grandmother hugged him and said, thank you for bringing me
justice, I understood his passion for the job.  You just need to have
someone tell you that you're doing a good thing.  I know the feeling."

"I'm only in this situation because I've never been able to lie to my
superiors."

"You never learned to hedge your bets, did you, John?"  They made
eye contact and she looked away quickly, standing and shaking off her
coat slightly.   "Anyway, I only stopped by for a few moments.  It was
good seeing you again."

They stood close for the first time in years and she reached out and
hugged him.  He hugged her back lightly, afraid that night wasn't
just a result of pain but something deeper that he couldn't ever
examine.

"Don't let another three years go by, call sometime, come over for
dinner,"  she said softly, and maybe she meant it, but he nodded
anyway.

"Oh, and John, tell your partner thanks from me too, everyone needs
to feel like a hero sometimes."

Then, she left, closing the door behind her, making the house seem
more empty than usual, if that was possible. 

He looked up at the clock, 11:21, it wasn't too late and he'd put this
call off long enough.  Vicky reminded him just how long it had been
since he talked to his ex-wife.  He sat on the couch and dialed a
familiar number.

"Hello?" Her voice was alert but cautious.

"Alicia,"

"John.  Why are you calling?"

"Do you think it would be possible for us to meet somewhere and
talk?"  He couldn't believe he was asking to see her and from the
stunned silence on the other end of the phone, she was surprised too.

"I have cases all this week and no time to go down to DC."

"I'll meet you when you're available in New York.  No pressure."

"Well, I guess...but why?"

"I've been thinking about some things, about the past, it's been
a strange few months, I just wanted to make sure at least one thing in
my life's stayed the same."

"I haven't been in your life in years, John.  Not since....okay, our old
restaurant, Friday at 8pm, if you're not there I'm not waiting and don't
bother to call."

"I'll see you then,"

"But, John, don't forget..."

"I know the rules, Alicia."  He was forbidden to talk about his son with
the one person who would actually understand.  

"Good, I'll see you Friday."

"I'll be there."  

She hung up before he could say goodbye, and he forgave her because
he knew she was still in mourning.  It had been years and she still
acted like Luke would come home any day now, the fact that they
found his body was something she still sometimes forgot.

Intellectually, she knew it, but she still refused to accept it.  In that
way, he thought, wishing for a drink, she was a lot like Agent Scully.

Somehow, he knew this was only the beginning, that his life up to this
point was easy compared to the future.  He saw it in Agent Scully's
slumped shoulders and dull gaze, he'd read all the files.  He knew
there was something missing, a lot of somethings missing.  Nothing he
found in the files would explain her actions.  He wondered if she'd
understand about his past.  He wondered if she'd ever share hers.

Maybe, just maybe, if he talked to Alicia and told her about his
partner, she'd understand and explain it, answer every question he had
with that killer intellect.  

God knows his partner was hiding enough from him that it made it
impossible to talk to her. 

Damn it was hard to keep it inside though, he waited for the inevitable
question during that case, the whispered "Who did you lose?"  But she
never said a word, pretended she didn't hear it.  

Maybe if she knew who headed his son's case she'd have asked.  It
wasn't that she talked about him, ever, but she didn't need to, he knew
the signs of grief and longing.  Hell, he'd already lived with the queen
of denial. 
 
It was a link Agent Scully would never suspect.

It was part of his history, now their strange unspoken shared history.
He remembered how Fox Mulder worked to find his son, and his
disappointment when he failed to find him alive.  It was almost as if
he understood their pain.  

John wasn't lying when he said he didn't know him well, but he'd
never forget the expression on Mulder's face when he had to tell them
he had no more leads.   I'm sorry, he'd told them when the FBI found
the body and even through John's grief he sensed the sincerity.

When he heard that Mulder was missing, and he was put in charge of
the investigation, he strove his hardest to find him, after all the weeks
he'd put into finding his son, it seemed like a repayment of a debt.

But, he could never share this with his partner and increasingly, he
was getting frustrated with their lack of progress.  Never in his life had
he worked a case with so few leads or suspects.  After that initial burst
of searching, all possibilities dried up, and he was getting concerned
about all the time Agent Scully spent staring up at the sky.  

In planes she stared out the window as if wishing for something to fly
next to them.  Sometimes on cases he found her outside staring at the
stars and she went inside when he noticed her.

He waited for the one case that would turn them from co-workers to
true partners but he was beginning to doubt it would ever come. In
darker moments he wondered why he waited.

He stood and walked up the stairs, ignoring the empty rooms and
wished yet again that one day he would wake up with Alicia in his
arms and Luke would come in and jump on the bed at 6 am on a
Sunday.  He would have never heard of Agent Scully or the X-Files
and the only missing child case on his mind would be the one he was
working for the task force.  With the weird things in his life, that
dream wish was becoming a greater possibility.

But, he didn't believe in it really.  Instinctively he knew that the next
morning he'd wake up and it would be December 2000. 

In four days it would be time to see Alicia again.  The problem with
guilt was that it made him do stupid things to atone.  On a grand
scheme, seeing Alicia again would not erase what he did with Vicky,
but the stony silence and unspoken hatred would at least make him
feel like she still cared.

It was pathetic that his past was easier to reconcile than his present.

As he fell asleep he wondered which was worse, staring out a window
waiting for a boy who would never show, or looking for flashes of light
in the sky, waiting for a man who it seemed would never show.  

The comparison, like every other question in his life lately, had no
fixed answer.

Author's Note:

First, a big thank you to Clair and Anna for quick beta.  I love you guys.  
I've been trying to write something with Doggett for a few weeks, but nothing 
was working - until Redrum.  I saw him very upset about Vicky's death and I 
wondered why he and his friend hadn't spoken in three years, this story was 
the result.  Also, I've been mulling Invocation over in my mind these past 
two weeks and the two ideas became intertwined in my mind.  Comments and 
criticism welcomed at FirePhile@aol.com   The title is the title of a Freddy 
Johnston CD, Blue Days Black
Nights.