From: whatever1013@my-dejanews.com Date: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 03:13:30 GMT Subject: Contentment 1/1 (withhold your wrath at the newbie author!) Title: Contentment Author: WHATEVER (Feedback will be accepted! Flame the fool! Step right up!) Rating: PG-13 I guess. The words "bastard" and "slut" are used. Is that so bad? :O) Classification: V , A, a hint of MSR (but not really. It is friendshipper safe. Heck, I'M A friendshipper!) Keywords: Pre-FX Mulder/Other Summary: Sometimes we have to settle for less and be content. Disclaimer: Well the narrator and her meanie mom belong to me! (nah nah nah booooo boooooo!) But the other characters don't. They belong to C.C. *darn!* Spoilers: None Distribution: Anywhere you feel like. Gossamer, etc, your own little homepage. AS LONG as my name and E-mail address remain intact. Author's notes: Hey this is my first time writing fan-fic. EVER! So if you hate this already, it's all my fault! But don't worry, I still love you! :O) ~~~~~~~ Content ~~~~~~~ I tell myself that it's better off this way. I remind myself about what you did 8 years ago. I convince myself that I don't need you in my life, that I never did. I know that you were a good point in my life, and that all good things must come to an end. At least for me. I can give myself an ounce of hope and comfort for a moment, but the feeling is shallow and empty and offers nothing. Mom always called you shallow and empty after she divorced you. I always believed her. Maybe I was wanting justification for what happened; maybe I was looking to pin the blame on someone besides myself. I was eight; I didn't want to feel like the liability that forced you away. Forced you to run away for 5 months and return, hardly remorseful for what you did. But it wasn't just those 5 months of leaving us scared and confused; it was for all the late nights mom spent alone. All the times it was just me and mom, eating cold pizza with an empty spot on the couch where you would have fit perfectly. I thought it was me. It would have been so much easier if I was right, though. There. I feel a little better now, even if you won't ever hear me say it. It's better off that way. Maybe.......maybe I was the shallow and empty one for believing the lies my mother spouted out. Now I know better. The lies stole you away from us. Lies surrounded you and your life, and all you wanted was the truth. So maybe it was the truth that stole you, because the rest of the world is contented with the lies, but you wanted the truth. You left suddenly and unannounced for 5 months in search for the truth. You wanted justice for your sister's disappearance. The lies stole Samantha, but the truth stole you. I realize now, that you will never be truly content without the truth. Well, I will never be contented with just wishing I could change things. Sometimes we have to be contented with just sitting in the audience when we really want to be on the field. I want to be the star player tonight. But if I made a wrong move, our team would lose. To make sure the good guys stay on top of the game, my job is to observe. People like the man with the Morleys who told me where I could find you make sure I do my job. I see the redhead coming up to you now. She has no idea how lucky she is, and I wish I could tell her. Secrecy is policy, though. It's just a shame when you learn too late, like I did. You weren't just a Dad. When you were actually home, you were the sharer of hugs and kisses. The builder of fond memories of making pancakes, UFO hunting, storytelling, and sing-a-longs. Ok, so your voice had much to be desired then, and your choice of songs wasn't the greatest, but mom never sang to me and she had enough time to spare. I felt safe when you were home. You were the great solver of all children's problems: Boogymen, spiders, thunderstorms, and bullies. (I bet Big Bubba never forgot you either.) Are you the same for the redhead? Do you protect her, keep her, comfort her? Do you tell her you love her? Does she feel safe and content when you are there? I hope she does. I hope you are more devoted to her than the truth. I hope you are with her more than you are chasing the truth. I don't know too many things you wouldn't give up for the truth; would you give her up? Or would you do a repeat of before and walk out on her, chasing little green men and following every bright light in the sky. I still have faith in you, Dad. Yes, I can call you dad. Sure, you aren't my Biological father, but you were my only dad. I have to be content with that. Not happy, but content. Maybe I am shallow for wanting more, for wanting you again. After 8 years, why do I care? Maybe I am shallow for wanting to barge in and tell you how I feel. If you met me face to face, would you give me the time of day? Would you hug me? I know it wouldn't feel the same anymore. I don't feel safe anywhere now. I ran away from my slutty Mom, from her bastard of a boyfriend, from the old life. I ran back to where I could see you. Maybe this is how empty souls heal again. I see you and the redhead walk off together with your arm over her shoulders. You look so happy together. Yes. There is still hope for you. And for me....I will just have to be content with watching. ~finished~ You HATED IT!! YOU DID AND YOU WILL NOT E-mail me at spammerific@schoolsucks.com to tell me you hated it ****Using reverse psychology here, Folks.****