Title - You Can't Save Everyone
Author - Patty Hayes
E-Mail address - yrld43a@prodigy.com
Rating - NC17- for graphic sex and violence
Category - SR
Spoilers - None
Keywords - Pre XF, Mulder/other
Summary - Mulder comes across a woman he feels drawn to and tries to 
save her soul. 
Note:  I've noticed Mulder's need to *save* lost souls and has been 
unable to do so in most cases.  You can't save everyone.   Thanks to 
Carol for her tireless encouragement, ideas and help.

Disclaimer:  The characters and situations of the television program 
"The X-Files" are the creations and property of Chris Carter,  Fox 
Broadcasting, and Ten Thirteen Productions, and have been used 
without permission.  No copyright infringements are intended.  This 
work is not to be forwarded or distributed to any newsgroup, FTP, or 
WWW site without the permission of the author.   

Do Not post to atxc.

*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE 1/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     "This is Joy Adams."  Dannon spoke as he spread the folder open 
in front of the agent.  "She was the arresting officer.  It was 
totally coincidental that she was even there."
     "I'd like to question her, is she here in the precinct this 
afternoon."
     "I'm afraid you won't find her here."  Dannon sat back in his 
seat.
     "Why not?"  Mulder seemed puzzled.
     "She was ... "  He sighed heavily as he searched for the right 
words.  "relieved of her duties shortly after this case."
     "Because of this case?"  Mulder's voice conveyed the amazement 
he was feeling.
     "No, no.  Not at all.  Look, I don't want this going around, 
Mulder, but she had go.  She was just coming off a deep undercover 
drug case.  They'd gotten her addicted.  Heroin."
     Mulder frowned in disgust and shook his head.  "Damn shame."
     Dannon picked up the picture and stared.  "It really is.  I knew 
a little about her.  She kept to herself mostly, but I knew she had 
trouble as a kid.  She went through rehab, but hasn't come back yet.
"
     "Well where can I reach her?  I still want to talk to her about 
Gibbons.  I need to know what she saw."
     "I can give you her address, but you're going to want to go 
alone if you want to get anything out of her.  Too many people may 
spook her, I don't know what condition she's in."
     Mulder stood and reached out to Dannon.  Grasping his hand in a 
firm handshake he felt a bit angry.  It wasn't normally like these 
people to get their own in trouble and then just dump them.  "Thanks. 
 I'll let you know how it goes."

     The apartment house was not in the best neighborhood but it was 
kept up and clean.  At first Mulder didn't think this was the best 
place for someone wanting to free themselves from drugs.  Seemed like 
they may have been readily available at every corner.  He verified 
the unit number and knocked on the door.  After the second try, he 
called out to her.  "Ms. Adams?"
     "I don't think she's home."
     Mulder turned, surprised by the sudden appearance of a young 
woman coming toward him, carrying a large paper bag.  "Hi, you're Joy 
Adams?"  She looked like the photo, maybe a few years older.  
     The half smile faded quickly.  "It's just JJ if you don't mind.  
So, which branch are you with?"  She leaned against the door frame, 
not making the move to let him in.
     Mulder grinned this time.  "That obvious?"
     "You're kidding, right?"
     "Joy, " he stopped when she made a face.  "Sorry, 'JJ'.  I'm Fox 
Mulder with the Bureau."  Mulder flashed his ID and badge.  
"Detective Dannon said I could find you here, I'm working the Gibbons 
case and I have a couple of questions about what happened that night. 
 It won't take long, I promise."
     JJ sighed and closed her eyes briefly.  'Why won't they leave me 
alone?'  "What do you want to know?"
     Mulder looked around as the neighbors peeked from their doors 
from time to time.  "Do you think I could come in?  I promise not to 
take a lot of your time."  He could tell that she was once a very 
beautiful girl.  Her eyes were a soft brown that at one time must 
have sparkled when she smiled.  Her light brown hair had been long in 
the photo, but was cut short now.  Probably in rehab.  But it was 
curly and clean and well kept.  He studied her hands, the nails were 
cut at a nice length and they were very clean and well manicured.  In 
fact, even though the clothes were older and a bit drab, she was well 
groomed.
     JJ looked up into his eyes, she could tell a lot about a person 
from their eyes.  His were a brown green hazel, that seemed to change 
color with his manner.  He was sharply dressed, she'd seen that 
before.  Yet not worn all that well and she sensed something earthy 
about him.  A tall lanky body, in good shape.  Very nice hair and a 
great smile.  She didn't answer, but nodded and fished in her jeans 
pocket for the key.
     Mulder felt himself being sized up, but he didn't mind as he had 
done the same.  "Can I take that for you?"
     "I've got it, thanks."  She shifted the bag away from him as she 
opened the door and stepped in.
     Mulder followed her in and watched her walk toward the kitchen.  
She was a bit shorter than he, not much, but she had long legs.  Long,
 slender, from here to there legs.  When she turned, he discovered 
he'd been caught staring so he turned his head and cleared his throat,
 tried to recoup the upper hand.  The apartment was exactly what he 
expected.  A two room flat with dark, dingy furnishings.  He was 
actually surprised at how clean it was and how homey it felt despite 
the drabness.
     JJ looked away, a blush creeping over her face.  She knew what 
he was thinking.  That she was a nobody.  Living in a dump, a failed 
cop, a drug addict.  Suddenly she was angry and embarrassed and 
wanted him to leave.  "So what questions?"  She asked, standing 
against the wall trying to avoid his eyes.
     Mulder didn't mean to embarrass her.  "I, uhm, I wanted to know 
what happened that night.  What you saw when you found Gibbons.  Do 
you remember that night?"
     JJ flashed a harsh look his way.  "Of course I remember."  She 
took a deep breath and tried to suppress her anger.  "What do you 
think I ...  never mind."  JJ ran her hand through her short hair.  
There were so many rumors that had been spread through the precinct 
and beyond.  Rumors she'd just soon forget.  "I was on an undercover 
assignment.  That's why I was in the warehouse.  There was a buy 
going down that night.  But it didn't happen.  Gibbons was in the 
warehouse when I got there.  I had two of the dealers with me."  JJ 
moved into the kitchen area and pulled out a chair, then motioned to 
Mulder to sit down.  "You want some coffee?"
     "Yeah, thanks."  He didn't really want coffee, but agreed to 
anything to keep her talking.
     JJ set about fixing it as she spoke.  "Pakston wanted to off him 
right then.  He didn't care who he was or what he wanted.  All he 
knew was that Gibbons was interfering with his deal.  I began to 
argue with him and before we knew what was happening everything shut 
down.  No lights, nothing."  She set the coffee mug in front of 
Mulder with a shaking hand, then sat across from him at the small 
metal dining table.  
     The shaking hands didn't go unnoticed by Mulder but he was 
patient.  He wanted it all.  "Do you mind if I tape this?  I don't 
take notes very well."  He grinned to try to put her at ease.  He 
knew it was a lie, but he could tell she was quite nervous.
     JJ didn't returned the grin, she just nodded.  She noticed her 
hands shaking and held the mug tight.  It stopped her hands, but she 
felt the shakes move up her arms and down her body.  JJ took a 
shuddering breath to continue.  "Then the walls began to shake and a 
blinding light shone in through the cracks of the walls.  At first, 
there was total silence."  JJ shook her head and her eyes glazed over 
as she stared at some spot on the far wall.  "I mean total silence.  
I could hear my own heartbeat."  Then she turned and looked into 
Mulder's eyes.  "And just as silent as it had been, that's how loud 
it became.  I thought it shattered my eardrums, but the doctor said 
they were fine.  I can't describe the sound, but the pain was like 
nothing I'd ever experienced.  At first I was too consumed with 
myself to notice anything, but I could see out of the corner of my 
eye ..."  JJ looked away and shook her head.
     "What did you see?"  Mulder waited with baited breath.
     JJ raised her head to glance into his ever darkening eyes, then 
looked away.  "I don't know what I saw.  I couldn't have seen it, I 
was high, it was a product of the drugs."
     "I don't think so.  I think you saw something you can't explain, 
Joy, it doesn't ..."
     "I told you not to call me that!"  JJ raised her voice as well 
this time as she interrupted him.
     Mulder sat in stunned silence.  He wondered why this woman was 
so sensitive over her name.  'Look who's talking!'  "I'm sorry, 'JJ'. 
 Tell me what you did next."  His voice was softer, he tried to have 
a more calming effect.
     She stared at her hands for moment, tightly wrapped around the 
mug.  Then she released a heavy sigh and sat back in the chair, 
bringing one foot up to rest in the seat, hugging her knee.  "Gibbons 
just went nuts.  He lunged for Pakston, screaming and yelling about 
not going, not following.  Before I knew it, he'd somehow gotten 
Pakston's gun.  Barns tried to come up from behind, but Gibbons 
turned and shot.  That's when I jumped him.  I don't normally pack 
such a punch, but it put him out cold."  JJ smiled slightly, still 
avoiding Mulder's eyes.
     "Why do you think Gibbons lost it?"  Mulder asked, trying again 
to find out the truth.  He kept trying to make eye contact, but she 
was nervous, her eyes moved all around the room if they weren't cast 
downwards.
     JJ looked up and away.  If made her uncomfortable for Mulder to 
stare.  He kept trying to make eye contact, leaning down and forcing 
her to look up.  She didn't like it.  "I ... I don't know."
     Mulder sat back and sighed.  It was not what he wanted, she had 
seen something and he wanted to know what.  "What happened next?"
     "Well, I barely had him on the floor before the place was 
crawling with military.  Or at least I think they were military.  
They had all three of us on the floor.  One thing that's bothered me 
though, they knew who I was."  Her brow furrowed and her eyes grew 
tight when she looked at him this time.  "How did they know who I was?
  No one knew.  Hell, my own mother wouldn't have recognized me."
     Mulder nodded, chewing on his lower lip.  He should've figured 
the military were there somewhere.  "Did they tell you anything?"
     This time it was her turn to stare at Mulder.  She suddenly 
figured he knew more than he was letting on.  Why was he here if he 
already knew?  What did he want?  She no longer felt it was for 
Gibbons.  He was here because of the light and what Gibbons had done. 
 "Was it real?"  She barely whispered, her eyes wide open.
     "Was what real?"  Mulder said softly, waiting for a response 
that never came.  Then just as softly he continued.  "I believe it 
was, JJ.  You're not crazy.  It wasn't the drugs.  But I have to know.
"
     JJ brought her other knee to her chest, hugging herself tightly, 
almost drawing in on herself.  Her eyelids sagged in resignation as 
she sighed.  "From the corner of my eye I thought I saw him rising."  
She stopped to see his reaction.  "In the middle of the room.  No 
help, no wires.  The light seemed to envelop him, even though it 
covered the whole room, it seemed to concentrate on him.  When he was 
about ten feet off the floor he suddenly vanished.  Just disappeared.
"
     Mulder was patient, he wanted to ask a number of questions, but 
it was hard enough just to get this out of her, so he waited.  He let 
her tell it in her own time, but feared that it wouldn't be enough.  
He could see she was getting more and more nervous.  Her hands shook 
again, in fact it seemed her whole body shivered occasionally.
     JJ ran a hand through her hair and then brought it down to her 
mouth and began pulling at her lip.  "I blinked and rubbed my eyes, 
thought they were playing tricks on me, you know?"  She smiled 
nervously.
     Mulder grinned.  A smile, the first one today.  It was beautiful.
  He'd begun to wonder if she had any left to give.  
     But it faded quickly.  "But he was gone.  Then the light 
disappeared and a moment later Gibbons was coming at us from nowhere, 
like a mad man."  JJ released a breath as if the weight of the world 
had been lifted from her shoulders.  She dropped her feet to the 
ground and stood, taking her mug to the sink.
     Mulder noticed she hadn't even sipped the coffee, but then again,
 neither had he.  Slowly, never taking his eyes off her, he lifted 
the mug to his lips.  The coffee had gotten cold and seemed bitter.
     "Was there something else you needed?"  She stood with her back 
to him, rinsing out the mug.
     He looked at her, noticing the curves through the worn jeans and 
thin blouse.  Suddenly he was saddened by her situation.  She had 
once been a strong woman with a purpose in life.  She was trying to 
dig herself out of this hellhole alone. "Why 'JJ'?"
     He was smiling when she turned to look.  Was he making fun of 
her?  Why not?  Everyone else did.  "I don't care for my name."  She 
tugged at her hair and looked away again.  
     "I know the feeling.  Everyone just calls me Mulder."  He nodded 
then looked at his watch.  "It's getting late, I better go."  He 
stood and she followed him to the door.
     A part of her didn't want him to go.  She hadn't had any real 
contact with anyone in a long time.  Her rehab was pure hell, she 
never wanted to go through that again.  She had no family, all her 
friends abandoned her when she left the force.  JJ was lonely for 
human contact on one hand, on the other, she didn't want anyone to 
bother her ever again.  She wanted to just die and get it over with.
     When he reached the door, Mulder turned.  "You know, I don't 
have any plans, would you like to grab a bite to eat with me?"
     A flash of pain crossed her eyes.  He was pitying her!  She 
didn't want his pity.  This is why she didn't want any contact with 
anyone.  "I think I can feed myself, thank you very much!"
     "No, I didn't mean it that way."  Oh God, I've insulted her.  He 
saw the pain as well as the flush crawling up her face and cringed.  
"Please, I just meant, I'd like your company.  I just thought we 
could grab a bite and talk, that's all."
     "I don't think so."
     "Come on.  I eat alone every night, I'd like some company 
tonight."  Mulder cringed the minute he said the words.  It wasn't 
going right.  "No, wait, I didn't mean it like that."
     "Okay, okay, I'll go, just don't say anything else."  JJ shook 
her head.  He was trying to be nice, but she could still see the pity 
in his eyes.  She grabbed a sweater from the back of the door and 
followed him out to the corridor.

End of Part 1a/6


*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE 1b/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     "Any place in particular you like to go?"  Mulder asked as he 
opened the car door for her.
     "No, I'm not picky."  Her tone was flat.
     They drove in silence.  Mulder took her to a small Italian 
restaurant a few blocks away.  He'd been there before and found it 
quaint, quiet and the food wasn't bad at all.  He noticed JJ's 
reactions as she studied the menu, he couldn't figure if she was 
nervous over the prices or if she didn't care for Italian food.   
Soon enough, she laid her menu down and with a shaky hand, picked up 
her water glass.  "Do you mind if I order for you?"
     "No, go ahead."  Again the tone was insipid.
     The waitress came and Mulder ordered for the two of them.  
Without thinking he also order the house red wine.  When it arrived, 
he started to pour her a glass.
     "Thanks, but I'll pass on the wine, if you don't mind."  Oh, she 
wanted it, but she was disciplined enough to let it pass.   Alcohol 
was as bad for her as the drugs were.  It took her a long time to get 
past all of it and the end of the road was still a long way off.
     "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."  He regretted saying it 
instantly as her face flushed red and anger as well as pain flashed 
in her eyes.
     "What do you know about me?"  Her tone wasn't flat this time.  
Her anger flared in her tone as well as through her eyes.
     Mulder shook his head.  "I don't know anything, really.  Dannon 
just said ..."  He sighed.  "Look, JJ, I'm sorry, we're not starting 
off on the right foot.  I make no judgments.  I know you went through 
rehab."  He definitely pushed a button.  She was chewing on her lip 
so hard, he was surprised it wasn't bleeding.  "You've had a rough 
time.  I know.  I just want to ..."
     "What?  You just want to what, Agent Mulder?"
     Mulder smiled in defeat and shrugged.  "I want to have a nice 
quiet dinner with a beautiful woman."
     JJ closed her eyes and sighed.  "Well, we don't always get 
everything we want."  She pushed a few curls away from her face.  JJ 
hardly considered herself a beautiful woman.  In fact she considered 
herself very unattractive and she hated it when men patronized her.
     But Mulder did find her beautiful.  She had a classic hard look 
that softened as you looked deeper.  But life had taken it's toll, 
she looked tired and older than her thirty years.  He stared into her 
eyes, to make sure she was paying attention.  "I have everything I 
want right here."
     JJ searched his eyes for a moment, trying to determine if he was 
being patronizing, but all she found was an honest appeal.  Yet she 
held her trust.  
     The food arrived quickly.  JJ found the veal parmesan very tasty.
  It had been a while since she'd had something so rich.  It wasn't 
because she couldn't afford it, although she did have to watch her 
money, but she had not felt worthy of a nice meal.  Or worthy of 
anything nice, in fact.  She was suffering from a deep depression and 
very low self esteem.  
     "So what do you do with your days."  Mulder knew he was risking 
another faux pas, but he really wanted to know about her.  What she 
liked as well as what she was like.
     "I'm a waitress in a diner not too far from the apartment.  
Mostly early mornings to just after lunch.  Occasional nights when 
they're short handed."
     "That's not an easy job."
     She nodded and her eyes went wide again as she studied him 
behind the forkful of veal.  "It pays the bills."  JJ took a bite and 
looked around.  "So do you eat here a lot?"
     "A couple of times a month, I guess.  I like it here.  It's 
quiet, a good place to do some thinking."
     Again she just nodded, but Mulder could tell she was beginning 
to warm up a bit.  Her tone wasn't as flat as before nor was it the 
angry harshness from earlier.
     "Why were you asking all those questions about Gibbons?  What 
happened to him?"
     Mulder knew this would come around sooner or later.  Now he was 
the one to show nervous mannerisms as his eyes darted back and forth. 
 "I think he was abducted."  He stated slowly, waiting for a reaction.
  But none was forth coming, nothing but a nod.  He could tell she 
was digesting it, waiting before she replied.
     "He was only gone for a second.  How could he have been abducted?
"
     Mulder cleared his throat, it was time to go on.  "I believe 
that time can be altered during these abductions.  Time as we know it,
 stands still.  For Gibbons, it was hours, for you it was seconds."
     "That's what Gibbons said?"  She asked incredulously.
     Mulder nodded and after depositing the last bite of sauce soaked 
garlic bread into his mouth, pushed his empty plate back.  "There's 
all sorts of physical evidence, yet all of it can be explained away, 
so there are those who are skeptical.  Are you one of those?  Do you 
believe in the existence of extraterrestrials?"  A slight grin formed 
as he asked in a melodical tone.
     JJ chuckled a moment then became very serious.  "I don't have an 
opinion one way or the other really."
     "You don't care if we're being visited by aliens from another 
world, here for whatever agenda they have on their minds?"  Another 
wry grin with a flurry of a gesture.
     JJ smiled and looked around.  She didn't respond at first, 
actually, she didn't think he expected her to.  Until he raised a 
brow, then her face took on another serious expression.  "I have more 
things to worry about now as it is, thank you.  I don't need to take 
on the world."  She pushed her half eaten plate back and dotted her 
mouth with the napkin.  "It's getting late, if you don't mind, I'd 
like to get back."
     "You've got another date tonight?"
     The question surprised her for two reasons.  One, who said 
anything about this being a date?  And two, she figured he'd want to 
get rid of her as soon as he could.  JJ ignored it and reached into 
her jeans pocket for cash.  She pulled out a ten dollar bill and laid 
it on the table.  She couldn't really afford it, but she'd be damned 
if she was going to be indebted to him for anything.
     "I believe I asked you out?"  Mulder said as he handed the 
waitress a credit card with the bill.
     "I believe in paying my own way."  She said softly.
     Mulder picked up the bill and reached for her hand with his.  He 
pushed the bill into her fist.  "Why are you so god damned stubborn?" 
 His voice rising with his frustration.  "I just wanted to have a 
nice dinner with someone I thought was interesting and you've been 
fighting me every god damned minute."
     JJ blinked back her surprise.  He held her hand tightly as she 
stared into his eyes.  They were so much darker now, filled with 
compassion and confusion.  She looked down at their hands and he 
released his hold.  "Thank you."  She whispered as she put the money 
back in her pocket.
     "You're welcome."  He signed the receipt and pocketed his credit 
card then stood and placed his hand on the back of her chair.
     JJ got up and headed for the door.  A couple of times, she felt 
his hand touch the small of her back as he guided her out of the 
restaurant.  Darkness had fallen while they had eaten and it was even 
colder than earlier, but JJ still enjoyed the cool air.  She shivered 
and wrapped her sweater tighter, crossing her arms in front of her.  
For a moment, she thought about walking back.  The company was 
frustrating to her and confusing as well and she didn't want to spend 
any more time with this guy.  But it was awfully dark and she hated 
the darkness.  The past three years had been spent in darkness.  The 
darkness of her past haunted her, it had been more than she'd ever 
wanted to see.
     Mulder opened the car door and for a moment thought JJ wasn't 
going to get in.  He'd have to fight her for that too!  he thought.  
"JJ?"  She turned to face him and in the moon light, Mulder thought 
he'd never seen a more lovely woman.  Her curly hair tossed with the 
wind, the street light sparkled in her eyes.  The curves of her body 
showed her to be all woman.  In that instant he took in her face, 
every line, every freckle.   Her mouth was full and inviting and the 
crow's feet already beginning to form around her eyes added a 
playfulness to her smile.  She had so much going for her and he felt 
she was slowly dying alone.  He wanted so badly to see her laugh out 
loud.  A full body laugh.  But he didn't know why and that disturbed 
him.
     JJ got in and the drive back was uncomfortably quiet.  But it 
was only a few blocks, and she turned to him as he pulled up to the 
building.  "Thank you for dinner, it really was good.  I'm ... I'm 
sorry I've been so irritable.  I don't find it easy to trust people.
"
     Mulder chortled.  "I know the feeling.  I have the same problem.
"  She turned to open the door and he touched her arm.  "Wait."
     JJ stopped and sat back.  What now?  Why couldn't he just let 
her go?  Why did he have to drag it out?  Pretending to care when all 
he really wanted was answers.  She just wanted to be left alone, 
couldn't he see that?  And why did he have to be so damned good 
looking?   His eyes bore a hole through her, JJ felt herself being 
drawn in and she didn't want that.  It was too easy.  JJ waited.
     Mulder didn't know why he stopped her.  It would be so easy to 
just let her go.  Let her get back to her life.  After all, didn't he 
have enough problems himself.  He'd just recently under gone 
regression hypnosis to find out what had happened to his sister and 
uncovered some very disturbing things.  His progression in this field 
had him ostracized from his fellow agents, no one wanted to work with 
him.  But that had been going on for sometime anyway.  He was the 
golden boy of Violent Crimes.  The way he solved the cases spooked 
everyone.   Mulder felt a connection with JJ.  Someone he might have 
become if there wasn't a purpose to his madness.  It would've been so 
easy to just draw within.  "I'd like to see you again."
     "Why?  What do you want with me?"  JJ shook her head in utter 
disbelief.
     "I don't know.  I like you, JJ.  I admire your strength."
     "Strength?"  she replied in even more disbelief.  "Look, I know 
what you're doing and I appreciate the effort.  But please, just 
leave me alone.  And there's nothing else I can tell you about 
Gibbons so there's no need for you to come back."
     "JJ, please."  He called out to her as she opened the door and 
stepped out.  Mulder got out and looked over the roof of the car as 
JJ entered her building.  "Damn!"  He slapped the car and got back in.
  He didn't know why it was important, but he was going to get 
through to her.

     Mulder sat, slipped his glasses on and leaned over the folder.  
It was pretty thick.  Thicker than he'd anticipated.  Joyce Janet 
Adams - born in Conroe, Texas, an only child, mother died when Joy 
was seven, she was raised by her father.  Not unlike hundreds of 
other families.  But then when she was fourteen, she went to live 
with a foster family.  Mulder's brow furrowed as he continued reading 
the contents.  Her father was arrested for child abuse and Joy was 
taken away from him.  It didn't go into detail, but he could 
ascertain what was going on.  She was placed in several foster homes 
before finally running away at seventeen.  She was arrested for 
prostitution shortly after along with several other runaways.  That's 
when she became interested in the police department.  Discovering she 
had to graduate college first, she put all her heart and soul into it.
  Three years later she entered the police academy.  For the next six 
years she chalked up the points and made Detective.  That's when her 
troubles 
eemed to start again.  The first year she had a few marks against her,
 petty stuff it seemed to Mulder.  Then they assigned her a drug case.
  Deep undercover.  For three years they kept her under.  The file 
showed a couple of times when she requested reassignment but was 
turned down.  Each time, the reason they kept her there was that she 
was too close to bringing in the biggest drug dealer on the East 
Coast.  Then it came to an end when Gibbons spoiled the buy.  Joy 
entered a rehab a month later.
     Mulder closed the folder and took off his glasses.  Rubbing his 
eyes, he sighed and wondered what the hell he was doing.  'What am I 
getting myself into?  I have enough to deal with.'  Mulder took the 
folder and slapped it atop the desk.  He sighed heavily as he sat 
back in his chair.  'She's so damn stubborn.  I've got a job to do 
and too many things are in my way as it is.'  He picked up the second 
folder and began reading the contents of the Gibbons case.  What was 
he doing in that warehouse?  There seemed to be something missing, 
but he couldn't put his finger on it.  He leaned forward and the mini 
recorder  dropped from his coat pocket to the floor, the noise 
startled him for a moment.
     Mulder reached down and collected the piece and picked up the 
battery cover that popped off from the fall.  Snapping it into place, 
he pressed the rewind button, then replayed the interview. 
     ".... had him on the floor before the place was crawling with 
military.  Or at least I think they were military.  They had all 
three of us on the floor.  One thing that's bothered me though, they 
knew who I was.  How did they know who I was?  No one knew.  Hell, my 
own mother wouldn't have ...."
     How did they know?  And what division of the military?  She 
hadn't elaborated and he hadn't asked.   *Why* was anyone's guess at 
this point.  But it was reason enough to visit her again.  Mulder 
flipped off the recorder and pushed it aside, picking up JJ's folder 
instead.  There had to be more.

End of Part 1b/6


*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE  2/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     It was hot behind the counter, JJ could feel the heat radiating 
from the grill behind her.  "Danny, it's piling up out here.  I've 
got to bus some of those tables."
     "Okay, go ahead.  I'm sure Jimmy's just running a little late."  
 Danny was an older man, widowed, retired, and pursued his 'dream' of 
owning his own 50's style diner.  He was a bit on the gruff side at 
first glance, but had a heart of gold.  He believed in JJ and hated 
to see her struggling.
     JJ wore the typical pink uniform dress of a waitress, the kind 
they wore on the old television program, 'Alice'.  Mulder noticed her 
as he walked in, looking more out of place than a mule at a race 
track.  The dress hung from her shoulders and was cinched tight at 
the waist.  It was a good size bigger than she needed but no one 
seemed to mind.  She stopped several times to refill coffee mugs or 
to take an order.  JJ held the huge tub that carried the dirty dishes 
and utensils, moving from one empty table to another and had just 
finished wiping down the last table when she picked it up and turned. 
 
     JJ stopped dead in her tracks and turned three shades darker 
than her dress when she saw him.  The tub grew heavy in her hands and 
she stuttered a quick, "I'll be right with you", then ducked behind 
the counter to the kitchen.  Great, she thought, what does he want 
now?  She wasn't looking forward to this conversation.  JJ gathered 
her confidence, brushed back her hair, caught her breath and grabbed 
a menu, her ticket book and the coffee pot and headed back out.  
Mulder was sitting at the counter when she came back around.  Placing 
the menu in front of him, she asked, "What can I get you?"  She sat 
the coffee pot down and opened her book, with the pencil ready, she 
didn't look him in the face.
     "How about ..." , Mulder looked over the menu.  He normally 
passed on breakfast, but he'd make an exception today.  "A couple of 
eggs, scrambled, toast and some coffee, black, please."
     JJ jotted down the order and had it torn off before he even 
finished.  She turned away and clipped the order in the holder on the 
counter between her and kitchen.  Then she turned back and set up a 
coffee cup for Mulder.
     "And a couple more answers if you don't mind."  He finished.
     JJ set the coffee pot hard on the counter, flashing her angry 
eyes at Mulder.  "I knew it had to be something.  You wouldn't be 
here for the food."  She hissed at him.
     Mulder was taken back.  He didn't realize she'd be so angry.  
"JJ, I'm trying ..."
     "I know what you're trying to do.  Leave me alone.  I don't need 
your help."  Her voice was low, but harsh and stern.
     Mulder watched with concerned disbelief.  Her eyes were wide 
with anger, but he also saw fear and confusion.  Then he shook his 
head as he lowered it, chuckling to himself.  She was a feisty one.
     "Don't laugh at me."
     Mulder looked up at her.  "I'm not laughing at you, JJ.  You are 
so headstrong, so damn proud.  Look, I've got an investigation to 
lead.  Now, we can talk here, and I can take up just a few minutes of 
your time, or I can haul your ass downtown and take up your whole day.
  Now which will it be?"  There's no way he would've actually taken 
her downtown, but maybe threats were the only thing she'd respond to.

     "Is there a problem out here?"  Danny came around the kitchen 
counter when he heard Mulder's forceful tone.
     Both looked to the formidable old man.  JJ stepped up first.  
"No, Danny, everything's fine.  I have to take a break, can you 
handle things?"  
     "Yeah, sure.  You okay, JJ?"  He looked harshly at Mulder.
     "I'm okay, Danny.  I'll only be a minute."  She walked around 
the front counter and Mulder followed her to a back booth where they 
had privacy.  They took their seats and JJ got right to it.  "What do 
you want to know?"
     Mulder chewed on his bottom lip for a minute.  This was not 
going well.  He didn't come here to anger her.  "How did they know 
who you were, JJ?"
     "I don't know, I told you I don't know."
     "Think!  There has to be a reason.  What form of military where 
they?"
     JJ's eyes shifted back and forth as she tried to remember.  "It 
was a long time ago."  She pleaded with him, then sighed and sat back.
  "I think it was army.  But they didn't really identify themselves.  
They took Gibbons to another part of the warehouse and when they 
brought him back a few minutes later, turned him over to me.  He 
wasn't manic anymore, almost like a totally different person.  What 
happened to him?"
     Mulder hesitated.  She doesn't know.  "He disappeared again.  
Right out of his cell.  This time though, he didn't come back."
     JJ searched his eyes, it was unbelievable.  But she had her own 
worries.  "Is there anything else?"
     Again Mulder hesitated.  He looked over his shoulder at the 
counter, Danny was leaning forward wiping a spot on the counter that 
couldn't get any cleaner.  "Look, JJ, don't run from me.  I'm not out 
to use you or hurt you.  I want to get to know you."
     Her eyes became watery quickly and she blinked away the tears 
before they fell.  "Why?"  she whispered.  Why would anyone want to 
get to know her?
     Mulder shook his head.  "I don't know.  I think we're a lot 
alike.  I need a friend.  I think you do too.  No strings."
     JJ sighed deeply.  "I can't be a friend to anyone, don't you 
know that?"
     "Maybe that's exactly what you do need."  He reached over and 
covered her hands with his.
     His touch was warm and JJ hadn't realized how much she'd needed 
that touch.  It was so powerful, the feeling overwhelmed her.  "What 
do you want from me?"
     "Nothing."  Mulder could answer no other way.  He didn't know 
what he wanted.
     JJ nodded and slowly slipped her hands away, placing them in her 
lap.  "I have to get back to work."
     "Can I call on you sometime?"  Mulder asked as his eyes followed 
her.
     JJ stopped and looked back, she swallowed nervously and nodded.  
Then she hurried to the counter.  Mulder sat for a moment, then got 
up and left the diner.

     JJ wrapped her sweater tighter as she came out of the medical 
building.  It seemed the wind was stronger now than when she went in. 
 A strong gust came whipping around the corner and her hair was 
tossed every which way.  She had a long walk home, so she started off 
at a steady pace.  She'd just come from a meeting she had to attend 
for her drug abuse program.  It was more of a group therapy, sort of 
an alcoholics anonymous style, where people could talk about problems 
they'd had over the past week or month or however long it had been.  
JJ was proud of herself, it had been almost nine months sober.  Her 
shaking had diminished and she was beginning to feel better.  But she 
had a nagging feeling, if she was feeling good, something was going 
to happen.  This meeting had been unusually stressful.  They brought 
up a few things that JJ had buried deep.  Things about her father, 
her childhood.  She was so deep in thought that she didn't hear the 
car come up behind her.  She jumped sky high when the horn blast 
behind her.
     "You want a lift?"  A grinning Mulder rolled his window down and 
drove slowly as she walked.
     "I can make it fine, thank you."  JJ wrapped herself even 
tighter.
     "But it's getting colder, JJ and you have a long way to go."
     "I'm used to it, I'll be fine."
     "JJ, will you get in the god damn car."  Mulder had pulled up in 
front of her with a screech of the tires.  He got out of the car and 
walked around to the passenger side and opened the door.
     She held her ground for a minute, but old habits die hard.  JJ 
had been trained as a child to follow orders from men and this was 
definitely an order.
     Mulder didn't know whether to be pissed or not.  They'd seen 
each other a few times.  Nothing serious.  Dinner, lunch, a movie, 
coffee.  He did most of the talking but he was slowly getting her to 
open up.  Today though, she looked worn and tired.
     He didn't take her home.  When he turned the corner going in a 
different direction, JJ looked up.  "Where are you going?"
     "I thought it would be nice to spend an evening at my place."  
There wasn't much difference.  She had a two room, he had a three 
room but he never used the third room.  Most nights were spent on the 
couch.  "I can wait on you for a change."
     "Mulder, I don't really feel like it."  There was no way out.  
She could fight her way out if she wanted, but she just didn't have 
the energy tonight.  
     "I won't keep you long, JJ.  I just thought I'd cook for you for 
a change.  You have to eat anyway."  He glanced over at her a few 
times.  Something had happened at her meeting, maybe he could get her 
to talk about it.

     "What happened, JJ?"
     JJ had a bottle of cola half way to her mouth when he asked the 
question.  She stopped cold, then lowered the bottle and turned to 
look at him.  "What do you mean?"
     "Something happened tonight.  At the meeting.  I can tell, JJ.  
I only want to help."
     Tears began to fall as she shook her head.  "I can't do this.  
This isn't going to work.  Take me home."  She got up and headed for 
the door.
     "JJ, you can't go on like this.  You need help."
     "What do you think those meetings are for?  I am trying to get 
help.  *You* can't help me."  She shouted as she pulled her sweater 
from the hook.  Her hands began to shake as she slipped her arms in 
the garment.  "Are you going to drive me or do I walk?"
     Mulder stood still with his hands on his hips.  Stubborn to the 
end!  All he wanted to do was help.  Why wouldn't she let him?  She 
stood staring at him and he stared back.  Maybe she needed to be 
bluffed.  But then she turned and walked out the door, slamming it 
closed behind her.  "Damn!"  Mulder ran to get his keys and took out 
after her.
     She was already half way down the block when he caught up to her.
  And the wind was so cold, it cut right through you.  JJ was torn in 
half.  Since Mulder had come into her life, everything had gotten 
worse.  Part of her responded to the orders he gave when he became 
frustrated with her.  It was something instilled in her long ago.  
The other part fought with every ounce of strength she could muster.  
So when she was with him, she was either fighting or scared out of 
her wits.
     "JJ!"  He ran after her, swinging her around by her arm.  He 
froze when she lost her balance as she pulled away and cowered on the 
ground below him.  Mulder was horrified at the scene.  What was she 
so afraid of?  He would never hurt her, he had never even acted in 
such a manner, why would she cower from him?  Slowly he reached out 
his hand.  "Come on, I'll take you home."
     She didn't take his hand but managed to get up by herself.  
Mulder drove her home in silence.  When he pulled up, JJ got out 
without saying a word, she never looked back as she entered the 
building.
     Mulder sat in his car for a long time before driving away.  He 
stared at the door, for what, he didn't know.  He sighed.  Was it 
time to give up?  Maybe he'd been wrong, maybe she was beyond what 
meager help he could give her.  Starting the car, he took one last 
look, then pulled out.

     JJ ran the length of the hallway and fumbled with the locks as 
tears streamed down her face.  She was sobbing almost hysterically 
and when she finally got the door opened, she ducked in, locking it 
behind her.  Then she leaned against it and closed her eyes, sliding 
slowly to the floor.  Her breathing quickened as the sobs grew 
stronger.  I can't do this anymore.  Her mind was racing.  The 
thought kept running through it, over and over, like a mantra.  
Ican'tIcan'tIcan't.  
     Then her breathing slowed as she began to calm.  JJ pulled 
herself up and stared at the door for a long moment before opening it.
  She didn't bother locking it this time.  One thing was on her mind, 
one thing only.  Relief.  She walked down the hall and out the door 
of the building with a purpose.   One that she knew was wrong.
     The store was only a couple of blocks away and it was still 
early enough for it to be open.  Besides, these kinds of stores never 
really closed.  Not if you knew the right people.  But tonight she 
didn't need those people.  JJ told herself that this wasn't really 
drugs, she wasn't ever going back to drugs.  But it would take the 
edge off.  It would help her sleep.  It would drive away the demons 
for tonight.  It would help her become oblivious to the pain.
     She pulled at her lip and looked around as she stood in front of 
the shelves.  Then she sighed as she took the bottle of scotch off 
the shelf and set it on the counter.  A calm washed over her, 
something more peaceful than she'd felt in a long while.  Reaching 
into her jeans pocket, she pulled out some money and laid it next to 
the bottle.  The man behind the register didn't say anything, barely 
even looked at her.  He snatched up the money and hit a few buttons 
on the machine.  JJ pocketed her change and grabbed the bag, nestled 
it into her arm and took off.
     It didn't take long to walk the few blocks before she was back 
in her apartment, sitting at the table staring at the glass of scotch.
  She knew that once she began, it wouldn't stop.  She would undo 
everything she'd worked so long and so hard for.  Why was it so hard? 
 Why couldn't she just pick up the glass?  JJ knew she wanted it.  It 
would help.  It would make everything go away.
     The knock on the door startled her.  She immediately felt like a 
child with her hand in a cookie jar.  Maybe they'd go away, she just 
wouldn't open the door.  But the knock persisted.  "Go away!  Go 
away!"  JJ gritted her teeth and put her hands to her head, covering 
her ears.
     "JJ!  Let me in!"
     Oh God, it's him.  "Go away!"  She called to him again.
     But Mulder wasn't about to leave.  Not until he straightened a 
few things out.  He pounded on the door again.  "I'm keeping this up 
until you open the door.  I'll wake all your neighbors."
     JJ sighed as she went to the door.  "Please, Mulder."
     Mulder leaned against it and spoke softly.  "I have to see you, 
JJ.  Please, just let me see you."  He pulled back when he heard the 
locks being turned.  The door opened and he heard her walk away.  
Mulder pushed the door open.  The room was in darkness, he stepped in 
and closed the door.
     "What do you want?"  The voice came from the doorway that 
separated the two rooms.
     "I want to see that you're all right."
     "So you see."  A wave of her hand.
     Mulder looked around.  She was hiding something.  He could see 
from the moonlight that shone through the window, a hint of light 
bounced off the bottle on the table.  Suddenly the heady smell of 
liquor reached his nostrils.  Was he too late?  "What's that?"
     JJ sighed, but didn't answer just yet.  Her arms were folded 
across her chest, her hands moving slowly up and down her arms.  
"What do you care?"
     "I care, okay, I care."  Mulder spoke softly.  "You don't need 
that."
     "How do you know what I need!"  The outburst came suddenly.  
     Mulder didn't answer as he walked slowly forward.  When he did 
reply, his voice was low and soft.  "You're right.  I don't know what 
you need.  I don't know how you're feeling.  But I have a good guess. 
  I've been there, JJ.  I've been where you are."
     JJ began to cry, her hands moved to wipe her face as she shook 
her head.  "No, no."
     "I have.  You want to die.  You think it won't get any better.  
You think your life has been needless, useless.  You're only existing,
 you're not living.  Isn't that how you feel?"  He was standing right 
in front of her, staring down.  Wanting to reach out.
     Her face was turned down, hidden within her arms.  She was 
trembling as she sobbed, she felt like there was nothing else to do.  
Then his arms went around her and pulled her tightly to him.  He held 
her so tightly she felt she might be devoured by his presence, to 
exist no more.  But would that be a bad thing?
     Mulder released the breath he'd been holding as they slid to the 
floor.  He pulled her tighter and began to rock, speaking soothing 
words until she was ready to break away.  Why did he get involved in 
this?  Maybe he was in over his head, maybe he really couldn't help 
her.  All he knew was that he had to try.  Somehow, they would get 
through it.
     When she stopped trembling he slowly released his hold.  JJ sat 
back against the wall and stared at Mulder.  "Why are you here?  Why 
are you so hell bent on helping me?"
     Mulder shook his head.  "I don't know.  Maybe by helping you, 
I'm helping myself.  You know my problems.  Hell, I've been doing all 
the talking.  It helps to get it out."  He reached over and touched 
her hand.  "I know, JJ.  I *know*.  I've read the file.  There's 
nothing you can say that would make me hate you or to cause me to run.
  I won't hurt you.  Let me be a friend."
     JJ leaned her head back and sighed.  "I'm so tired, Mulder."
     "I know.  I know you are."  He stood and brushed his hands 
against his knees.  "Come on, I'll put you to bed."
     He pulled her up and walked with her to the couch.  She stood 
while he tossed the pillows off and pulled off the cushions, then 
opened the sofa bed.  He picked up some of the pillows and pulled 
back the blanket.  She'd made the bed to a perfect military cut.  
     The sheets were pulled tightly under the mattress.  "How the 
hell do you get in this thing?"  Mulder asked as he searched for the 
end of the top sheet.
     JJ smiled and leaned down.  "Here."  She smoothed her hand over 
the top till it tucked nicely under the folded edge, then she pulled 
it down.  
     JJ sat on the edge as Mulder knelt and slipped off her shoes.  
Then he took her feet and swung her legs to rest on the bed, pulling 
the sheet and blanket over them.  "You sleep."
     "Are you leaving?"
     "Do you want me to?"
     "No."
     "Then I'll be here when you wake up."  He leaned down and kissed 
her forehead, then looked into her eyes, brushing her hair away from 
her face with his fingertips.
     JJ released a shuddering sigh and closed her eyes.  She felt 
suddenly safe with him here.  It didn't take long before she was 
asleep.
     Mulder sat in a chair across the room and propped his feet on 
the small end table next to it.  He waited till he heard her 
breathing evenly, then he knew she was asleep.  Then he went to the 
kitchen and looked at the bottle.  It didn't look like she'd actually 
drank any of it.  Alcohol was not really what her problem was, but it 
was just as bad for her as drugs were.  With her history, it would be 
easy for her to become alcoholic.  He took a gulp from the glass and 
swallowed hard.  It burned going down.  Then he emptied the bottle 
and glass into the sink.

     JJ awoke a few hours later.  The sun was shining in through the 
kitchen window.  Mulder was reclining in the chair across from her.  
She moved closer to him.  He looked so peaceful lying there asleep.  
Like a little boy with no problems heavier than learning how to do 
wheelies on his bike.  JJ just couldn't understand why he was here.  
She was a mess.  She looked bad, old and tired.  Her life was a mess. 
 She'd just drag him down too.
     He was a handsome man.  Damned good looking in fact.  A strong 
jaw, a small cleft in his chin, a full beautiful mouth and eyes that 
can look deep into your soul.  He was tall, broad shoulders, long 
legs, a lanky body.  But strong.  God, he was so strong.  Stronger 
than anyone she'd ever met.  Physically, yes, but more so emotionally.
  JJ needed him and feared that he wouldn't last.  But just maybe he 
was strong enough.  She reached out and lightly touched his hair.  He 
had nice hair.
     Mulder jolted awake to find JJ on her knees next to the chair.  
"Are you okay?"  He cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes.
     "Yeah, I'm okay.  You want something to eat?"
     "No, I uhm ..." he glanced at his watch, "I have to get to work.
"
     JJ got up and sat back on the bed.  She watched him put on his 
shoes and straighten his shirt as he stood.  "Thanks for last night.
"
     He knelt in front of her.  "Don't thank me."  He searched her 
eyes and cupped the side of her face with his hand.  Even then she 
flinched before leaning into his touch.  "How about dinner tonight?  
I can pick you up around seven."
     JJ smiled and nodded.  It felt good to have someone care.  She 
didn't know why but was tired of questioning it.  She needed someone 
and she was glad it was him.
     Mulder returned her smile.  She had a beautiful face that lit up 
when she smiled.  Bright, shining eyes that sparkled.  He wanted to 
see more of that.  "Okay then,  I'll see you later."  He leaned in 
slowly, cautiously and gently brushed her lips with his.
     JJ closed her eyes and trembled.  The small kiss was as powerful 
as his touch, even more so.  It had been a long time since she'd felt 
anything for anyone.  In fact she couldn't remember anyone that she'd 
really loved.  Was she feeling love?  Was he?

     Mulder thought about her all day.  Asking himself if he knew 
what he was getting in to.  She deserved happiness, but could he give 
her that?  He had an agenda, a purpose to his life.  To find his 
sister.  To find out what happened to her, why she was taken.  
Nothing else mattered to him, nothing would get in his way.  But this 
would.  He would only end up hurting her.  Why was he feeling so 
strongly toward her?  She filled something inside him that was empty. 
 But, hell, he could find women a dime a dozen.  Sex wasn't a problem 
if that's what he wanted.  Maybe he wanted more than just sex.

End of Part 2 of 6


*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE  3/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     He knocked on the door a little after seven.  Mulder hadn't 
decided where to go yet, he figured to let her decide.  He wasn't 
prepared for what he saw when the door opened.  JJ looked more 
beautiful than he'd ever seen her.  She wore a hint of makeup, her 
hair was freshly washed and the curls and waves bounced as she moved 
her head.  Her dress was a simple sleeveless sundress, it may have 
been a bit too cold for it, but probably the only nice thing she had. 
 The room was dark, but she'd strung tiny white lights around to give 
it a festive feeling and the table was set with candles.  When he 
looked at her, her eyes were bright and he saw a hint of mischief.  
He was in deeper than he'd thought.  "Wow."  A man of few words.
     JJ smiled, she wanted it to be special but didn't have much.  "I 
thought we could eat in.  I know I haven't been much fun lately."
     "It's nice, it's really nice.  It looks great.  You ... you look 
great."  He was rewarded with a wide smile.
     "Dinner will be ready in a minute, why don't you sit down and 
relax."
     "It smells good."
     They ate at the small kitchen table.  She'd adorned it with a 
linen table cloth and napkins.  He could see that she really went all 
out.  The dinner itself was simple, spaghetti and a salad but it was 
good and filling.  They were pretty quiet during dinner.  Small talk 
was prevalent throughout.  Afterwards, they moved to the sofa and 
served coffee.  She sat at one end, her knee tucked under as she sat 
sideways.  Mulder, at the other end of the sofa, had his arm across 
the back.  It seemed an awkward moment.
     "So what kind of case are you working on?"  She asked.
     "It's not one you'd really want to hear about."  Mulder shook 
his head.  "Dinner was great."
     "Good, I'm glad you liked it."  She looked away for a moment.  
"Why are we so uncomfortable all of a sudden?  Should we not be here?
"  Mulder turned to look at her and the look made her tingle.  His 
eyes were heavy, dark and glazed.  His breathing was shallow and 
becoming rapid.  JJ could feel herself grow flush as he closed the 
distance between them.  
     Mulder put his arm across the back of the sofa again, his hand 
resting next to her shoulder.  With his other hand, he stroked her 
arm, hesitating at the scars from the needle tracks.  She looked down 
as well and Mulder saw her face flush.
     "I've been tested clean."  JJ said, knowing what was running 
through his mind.  "I was pretty lucky."
     Mulder nodded, he wanted to ask, but it was always an 
uncomfortable subject.  He reached over and touched her hair.  He'd 
been wanting to do that all night.  Her hair was soft and shiny and 
he wanted to run his hand through it.  It felt like silk.  His eyes 
followed his hand then moved to her face, tracing the line of her jaw 
to her mouth.  His fingers lightly moved across her lips.  They 
parted slightly and he felt the rush of her breath expel.  He felt it 
deep inside.  When he looked up, her eyes were closed.  He could see 
the rise and fall of her breast with each quickened breath.
     She could feel him begin to lean toward her.  He took her face 
in his other hand, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb.  Then he 
kissed her.  Softly, tenderly at first.  When she opened up to him, 
it became harder, more passionate.  Within a moment, they were a 
tangle of arms.  JJ felt herself melting in his arms, consumed by his 
kiss.  His hands stroked her back, then reached up and pulled down 
the zipper of the dress.  He slipped it off her shoulders and down 
her arms without breaking the kiss.  Then he touched her breasts.  
Gently, he held them, pressed his palms against them, until she 
pushed him away.
     He felt cold, missing the warmth of her mouth and body.  She 
slipped her dress back over her shoulders and went into the kitchen.  
He'd screwed up.  He'd moved too fast.  "JJ?"  Mulder followed her 
into the kitchen where she was clearing the table.  "I'm sorry, I 
shouldn't have ..."
     "It's not you, it's me.  I just ..."  She shook her head and as 
she spoke, she kept her back to him.
     Mulder walked over to her and then put his hands on her 
shoulders.  "You want to talk about it?"
     Her shoulders sagged heavily as she lowered her head.  "I don't 
know."
     "Let me help you."  Mulder whispered in her ear and felt her 
shiver from it.
     "You said you knew."
     "I know, about your father, about your past.  So talk to me 
about it."  His breath tickled her ear
     "If you know, then why talk about it?"  JJ pulled away from him, 
from his touch.
     Mulder turned and leaned back against the kitchen counter.   The 
white lights strung across the room highlighted her hair and face.  
He could see the shimmer of a tear as it ran slowly down her cheek.  
But he kept quiet.
     "I was nine when it started."  Her voice soft and shaky.  "When 
my mother died, my father turned to me to keep the house and to take 
care of his meals and things.  I was seven years old and all alone.  
I used to think my mother died just to get away from him.  He used to 
come home at night and start drinking.  By the time dinner was over, 
he was pretty well gone.  For a while it was just the beatings."  JJ 
continued, still standing in the darkness.
     Mulder didn't move.  He wanted to go to her, but at this moment 
she was unreachable.
     "They lasted a couple of years.  Then he started with this look 
in his eye.  I had no idea what it meant, but I knew it was bad.  And 
then he started coming to me in the middle of the night."  
     Her voice broke and Mulder heard a repressed sob.  Then her hand 
went to her mouth and even in the dark, he saw her visibly shaking.  
He closed the distance between them in a moment.  Pulling her into 
his arms, he held her as she cried.
     Suddenly she pulled away and with a hit of her fist against his 
chest, she cried out.  "How dare he?"   Walking away, JJ kept talking.
  "How dare he?  Nine, nine years old.  How could he?  For years I 
thought I was being punished for something."  Her voice was high 
pitched and angry.  She looked to Mulder, but he shook his head, he 
didn't have the answers.  "I hate him."
     "He's a sick man, JJ.  It's not your fault."  Mulder went to her 
again, this time she leaned in against him, quite a bit calmer.
     "I know that.  Why can't I get past it?  It haunts me, Mulder.  
All the time.  Every time a man comes near me, I see my father."  She 
looked up into his eyes, his face glowing from the moonlight.  JJ 
covered his face with her eyes, looking into every line, every pore.  
Minutes that seemed like hours passed.  Suddenly, her whole attitude 
changed, like day from night.  "I want you."  She whispered.
     Mulder held her face between his hands, then leaned down and 
kissed her.  How he wanted this woman, but he was afraid.  Afraid for 
her.  He kissed her as he felt her unbuttoning his shirt.  Her hands 
moving from his waist up to his chest, then he felt her opening his 
belt and pants.  The zipper sliding slowly down, she reached in and 
wrapped her fingers around him.  He broke his mouth away and tilted 
his head back, releasing a deep throated moan.  He felt her slide 
down his body, pulling his pants and boxers down with her.  
     JJ knew what to do to make men feel good.  She'd been taught 
well.  She started by placing tiny kisses on his hard flat stomach, 
her tongue gently making lazy circles downward.  
     Mulder's breath caught in his throat when he felt her hot wet 
mouth encase him.  His hand reached out and touched her hair, as soft 
as her mouth.  She drew him in hard only to ease off and tease him 
with her tongue.  He let out a groan as her hands wrapped around his 
body and squeezed his backside.
     He was ready, so hard and hot.  The tip was as crimson as it 
would ever get.  With her lips, she smeared a small drop over it, 
then she looked up at him and ran her tongue over her wet lips.
     Mulder thought he'd lose it right then.  She knew how to push 
the right buttons.  He stared into her eyes as she rose only to pull 
him down to the floor.  JJ pulled down the bodice of her dress, hiked 
her skirt up and parted her legs, Mulder instinctively settled in 
between them.  Suddenly, she removed her hands from him, placing them 
in fists on the floor to her side.  Mulder felt the emptiness from 
the loss of touch and looked up, her face was turned away.  He 
realized what she was doing.  She was waiting for him to fuck her.  
To be done with it.  To her that's all sex was.  She'd been used all 
her life, fucked in more ways than just physically.  She didn't know 
any better.  A part of him felt disgusted with himself for the 
reactions his body had.  "What are you doing, JJ?"  He moved away, 
drew up his pants, and walked away from her.  His last vision of her 
on the floor, opening herself for whatever anyone wanted, sickened 
him.
     JJ slowly got up and moved to the doorway, her arms wrapped 
around herself.  "Did I do something wrong?  Isn't that what you 
wanted?"  Her voice held no hint of sarcasm, only confusion, she 
truly thought that was what he wanted.
     He touched her chin and forced her to look into his face.  "I 
want to make love to you, not just have sex."  What have they done to 
this woman?  "Haven't you ever been made love to?"   He felt her 
shoulders sag as she lowered her head.  Mulder turned away from her 
and went to the sofa.  He tossed pillows and cushions aside and 
opened the bed.  Then he came back for JJ.  "Do you want to do this?" 
 He whispered to her.
     JJ reached up and kissed him, hard and passionately.  Mulder 
accepted it for a moment, then pulled away, confusing her.  She 
suddenly felt as if this was her first time.  She felt awkward.
     He asked her again.  "Do you want to do this?"
     "Yes."  She whispered.
     Mulder slipped the dress from her shoulders and it slid to the 
floor.  She had a beautiful body,  long shapely legs, rounded hips 
and firm full breasts.  For a moment, Mulder thought she would try to 
cover herself, her hands in fists clenching at her side, she was 
obviously uncomfortable standing naked before him.  "You're so 
beautiful."  He whispered to her as he leaned down and kissed her.  
As he did, he set her back gently on the bed, then took off his shirt 
and pants.  
     JJ watched and waited patiently.  When he was ready, he came to 
her.  He leaned down and nuzzled his face in her neck, gently biting 
the tender skin under her jaw.  JJ let out a breath as the kiss made 
her shiver.  Then he pushed her back and crawled in next to her.
     Mulder took his time.  He started by placing tiny kisses over 
her face, her eyes, his hands moving down, trying to relax her stiff 
and rigid body.
     JJ felt his strong arm as she stroked it with her fingertips.  
His muscles were hard and firm, all over.  His lips moved to her 
breasts and she gasped as his tongue lapped at her nipple.  Then he 
placed his mouth over her breast and sucked it into his mouth, she 
almost came off the bed with it.  
     Mulder smiled as she gasped and arched her back.  It was just 
the beginning.  When he finished there, he kissed his way down her 
body.  He massaged her calves, moving up to her thighs, then he 
leaned down and placed kisses along her inner thighs.  He brushed his 
lips across the wiry patch of hair at her center and drew the 
reaction he wanted.  A small gasp and her body stiffened in 
anticipation.  He kissed her inner thigh again, drawing out the wait. 
 He wanted her to be at the point of almost begging.  And when he 
finally did touch her, she shattered.  Her whole body convulsed as 
she came.
     JJ had orgasms before, but to her, sex was a chore.  No one had 
paid this kind of attention to her feelings, her pleasure.  She'd 
never felt this way with a man before.  When Mulder crawled up next 
to her, she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his 
neck.  She was still shaking from the moment, coming down.  Her body 
still so sensitive.  JJ didn't know how to feel.
     Mulder kissed her neck as he held her, giving her time to relax. 
 He got a certain excitement from being the one to give her these 
feelings.  But when he felt her tears falling against his back, he 
became concerned.  "Hey, it's okay."  He felt a shiver run through 
her body.  "Are you okay?"  He whispered to her.
     JJ nodded and hugged him tighter.  They stayed still for a few 
more minutes, neither saying anything.  Finally JJ released her tight 
hold and relaxed, laying back on the pillow.  "I'm sorry."  She 
whispered.
     "Don't be sorry.  Don't ever be sorry for feeling good.  Did 
that feel good?"  Mulder lay on his side, making tiny circles with 
his fingertip on her stomach.
     "God, yes."  JJ chuckled.  She reached up and cupped Mulder's 
face, studying his eyes intensely.  "Is that how it always is?"
     "That's how it should be."
     "I've always denied myself.  I never really enjoyed sex."
     "That should be a crime."
     JJ chuckled.  "You're my crime fighter."  She pushed him back 
and kissed him hard as she maneuvered herself to straddle his hips.  
She rotated her hips, grinding them against his, feeling him grow 
harder beneath her.  Then she moved down, taking him in her mouth.  
     Mulder moaned and let her take control for a few minutes, just 
enjoying the feelings.  She was good at what she was doing, but this 
is not what this night was about.  He reached down and pulled her up. 
 He smiled when he saw her confused look.  "There are other ways."  
He said as he laid her back on the pillow again.   Still smiling, he 
reached over to the end table for the condom in his wallet and slowly 
put it on.
     JJ's eyes grew wide, she didn't know if she could take another 
session like the one before.  But when he began lightly kissing her 
again, her body began to tingle once more.  
     Mulder slipped inside her, slowly, stroking her in long slow 
movements.  After a few strokes, he lay flat against her and reached 
under her, grabbing her ass.  There was no space between them, their 
bodies rubbed against each other as he continued to move in and out 
of her. 
     He started slow and easy, but somewhere in there, she wasn't 
sure when, he sped up.  He moved hard and fast against her and she 
was coming again and couldn't stop it.  JJ cried out as her body 
spasmed.   She didn't know.  Never.  That it could feel this good.
     Mulder felt her come, her muscles tightening around him, 
squeezing and releasing over and over.  Stroke after stroke, one more,
 another and another until finally, he saw stars.  "Oh, Joy."  He 
whispered her name with a groan as he came.  He pushed into her once 
more before collapsing atop her, still inside her body.  
     JJ heard him and for a brief moment reverted back, feeling that 
her name shouldn't be Joy.  There was no joy to her life.  But in 
this moment, there was.  And he gave it to her.  He had the right to 
call her by her name.  Only him.
     Mulder's breathing slowed and when he rolled to the side, he 
took her with him, still holding her, but no longer putting his full 
weight on her.  Neither said a word.  He held her as she curled up 
next to him and they drifted off to sleep.

     Life was a little better for JJ.  Her outlook was slowly 
changing with the time she spent with Mulder.  She found herself more 
and more, sleeping over in his apartment.  For a while, it was 
awkward.  JJ didn't know what she should do, whether or not she 
should clean for him or cook.  She'd come over after work and they'd 
spend the night together.  In the morning they'd go their separate 
ways.  When Mulder was out of town, she usually pulled a second shift.
  Anything to keep from being alone.  Anything to keep from thinking. 
 
     He was due home yesterday from being away for over a week.  JJ 
wasn't sure what had happened, he hadn't called or stopped by at all. 
  She tried not to let it bother her, or worry her.  He was, after 
all, a grown man who could take care of himself.  Tonight, JJ was 
working the night shift, the diner was nearly empty.  An old man sat 
at the counter cleaning his plate with a stale roll, a woman was 
nursing a hot cup of coffee in the corner.
     The kid who walked in looked odd to JJ.  She'd seen the type 
before.  Nervous, jittery, eyes shifting from one patron to another 
and back to the door.  His hands were shoved in the pockets of his 
worn jacket.  The cop in JJ halted her, knowing what this guy was.  A 
two bit hood looking for quick cash to fill a need.  Her eyes flashed 
to Danny who wasn't paying attention.  She had to act quickly.
     "We're getting ready to close, can I get you something to go?"  
She cut him off near the door, before he could get close to the other 
two people.  
     He looked around, avoiding her eyes.  "Yeah, man, I want a 
burger. A burger and some fries."  
     He was taller than JJ, dark hair, skinny and his face was dirty. 
 On the street for a long time, she could tell by the smell, he 
hadn't bathed in a while.  "Have a seat here and I'll get your order.
"  She watched him as she headed back to the counter.  This is the 
last thing she needed.  "Danny, we need a burger ..."  she began, but 
as she turned back to glance at the kid, he pulled a gun from his 
jacket and started yelling.
     "Get out here, everybody get out here!"
     He was highly agitated and moved nervously, waving the gun from 
side to side.  JJ glanced at Danny as he came around the corner of 
the kitchen, she knew he kept a gun under the counter.  She hoped he 
wouldn't go for it.  The woman in the corner booth slid down in her 
seat, the man at the counter stooped to the floor.  JJ shook her head 
at Danny, hoping he knew what she was saying.  You can't win in this 
situation, she'd seen it too often.  The kid is too strung out to 
understand what will happen, he'll kill for spare change.
     "Stop right there!  Open it up."  He waved the gun at the old 
man, pointing to the cash register with his other hand.
     Danny hit a button and the drawer popped open.
     "Get back!  Get away from there!"  The kid shouted and moved in. 
 The gun was placed against Danny's chest as the kid pushed him back 
against the counter.  He reached in and grabbed whatever bills he 
could.
     Danny watched him and backed up slowly, reaching down under the 
counter.  JJ was silently praying as she shook her head.  No, Danny, 
don't do it.  Let the kid go.  
     But no one stole from Danny.  He brought the gun up slowly.  
"Okay kid, just drop the gun."
     The boy turned and fired and fired again.  Surprising Danny, he 
shot him twice, knocking him to the ground.  Danny never got a shot 
off.  Then he turned and fired at JJ, catching her in the shoulder.  
She fell to the floor as the kid ran out the door with thirty two 
dollars from the register.

     Her eyes focused and she felt a sharp pain in her left shoulder. 
  A bright light forced her to shut her eyes immediately.
     "You're okay, you're in a hospital.  Can you tell me your name?
"
     "JJ Adams."  Her own voice sounded strange.  "Where's Danny, is 
he all right?"   She looked around slowly.  A hospital room, a row of 
beds to her left.  Two nurses hovering over her shoulder, changing 
the dressing.  The doctor was checking her vitals and looking into 
her eyes.
     "Your friend didn't make it, I'm sorry."
     So straight forward.  JJ closed her eyes as a tear fell from the 
side.   Why wouldn't he let it go?  "Can I get something for the pain?
"  She knew what to ask, not just for the pain of her wound, but for 
the pain in her heart.  A automatic IV was set up for the release of 
pain medication.  All she had to do was push a button.

     Mulder pulled up to the diner, seeing the police tape strapped 
across the door and took out his cell.  Dannon told him where to find 
JJ.  An hour later he was sitting in her room in the dark.  He'd been 
investigating a disturbing case for Violent Crimes.  Mulder was 
beginning to hate the division.  The more he saw, the harder it 
became.  He emerged daily with his mind and soul into the cases and 
it was hard to pull out when it was over.  
     "Mulder?"  Her voice was scratchy and more than a little slurred.
  Her tongue felt like it filled her mouth.
     "Yeah, hey."  He sat forward and brushed a strand of hair from 
her face.  "Didn't I tell you not to go get yourself in trouble?"
     "You didn't tell me anything."  JJ closed her eyes again.  
"Danny's dead."
     Mulder gripped her fingers.  "I know.  I'm sorry."  It's all he 
could say.

     JJ took a cab from the hospital and went straight to the 
cemetery.  Danny didn't have any living relatives and the county 
looked to the Veteran's Administration for burial.  She stood at the 
gravesite and stared at the freshly poured dirt.  A headstone wasn't 
placed yet, she'd see to it that he got one.  She placed a small 
bouquet of flowers on the ground and stood still for a moment before 
turning back to the cab.  A while later the cab dropped her off a few 
blocks from her apartment.
     The pain killers weren't bad, they kept her in a daze most of 
the time, but she needed more.  This time, she didn't even think 
twice.  The scotch was the nearest, JJ paid for it and walked the few 
blocks to her home.  There was no waiting, no hesitation.  It felt 
good going down.  JJ really wasn't much of a drinker, she didn't like 
the taste, but most alcoholics didn't drink for the taste.  Right now 
she didn't want to think, she didn't want to feel.
     Mulder could smell the liquor the minute she opened the door.  
"What's going on?"
     "Look, I'd rather be alone right now."  She stood in the doorway.

     "Why, because you don't want me to know you're drinking?"
     "Because I don't want to deal with anything right now."  She 
started to close the door in his face.
     Mulder pushed open the door and went in, slamming it behind him. 
 "You think this is going to help?"
     "I don't care whether it helps or not."  JJ walked away from him.
  "Just leave me alone, Mulder.  You have no idea what my life is 
like!"
     He shook his head.  Mulder didn't need this right now.  He was 
immersed in a case that drained him of all thought, feeling and 
emotion.  "I know you don't have to do this.  I know Danny wouldn't 
want you to."
     "You don't know anything about him."
     "I know he cared about you.  He believed in you!"
     That hit her like a slap in the face.  Danny did care about her. 
 He stood behind her when no one else did.  "Just get out.  Leave me 
alone." 
     "I can help you if you let me."
     "You can't!  Don't you get it?  No one can help me!  Leave me 
alone!"
     There wasn't anything he could do.  She was too stubborn to 
change and Mulder was too distracted to put any force behind his 
words.  He took one last look at JJ before closing the door behind 
him.  "That's what you are, you know.  Alone, JJ.  Is that what you 
want?  To be alone for the rest of your life?"
     She answered by taking another drink from her glass.  The door 
closed and she heard his footsteps getting softer and softer as he 
left her alone.  The tears began to fall harder and faster as the 
glass slipped from her fingers and she broke down.

     "I don't want to talk about it!"  He shouted at JJ.  
     JJ flinched and jumped back as he loomed over her, his eyes 
darkening, his chest rising and falling quickly to match his 
breathing.
     He couldn't think, the walls were closing in on him.  "I have to 
go."
     "When will you be back?"  JJ asked, her hands nervously 
fidgeting.  She didn't know what was wrong with him lately.  Coming 
home at all hours of the night, he wouldn't talk to her and when he 
did, he barked mostly.  It frightened her more than anything.
     Mulder hesitated as he took his coat from the rack, thinking 
carefully before speaking.  "Look, maybe it would be better if you 
stayed at your place for a while.  I'm not good to be around right 
now.  I'll call you in a few days."  He took one look at her and left 
before the sight registered.
     JJ stood there, her world shaken again, tumbling around her.  No.
  She wasn't going to let it happen.  She was her own woman, she 
didn't need him or any man to be whole.  Her thoughts changed as 
quickly as the wind.  He doesn't want me any more, fine, I don't need 
him either.  What did I do?
     This behavior wasn't new to JJ.  Men had used her all her life.  
From her father to all her foster fathers to the men on the police 
force.  She can remember their words.  Her father's words 
reverberated through her mind.  Whore!  Pretty little whore.  Good 
for one thing only.  Never did anything else right.  The food was 
never good enough, the house was never clean enough.  She was so 
worthless that even her mother killed herself to get away from her.  
That's what he'd said.  JJ's father blamed her for everything that 
had gone wrong in his life.  Now this was her fault too.  Why should 
it be any different?
     It seemed their lives were destined to be in constant turmoil.  
She'd thrown out the scotch after Mulder left her that day two months 
ago.  JJ sucked up her pride and went to him.  Finally admitting that 
she wanted his help and they'd worked it out.  It hadn't been easy, 
the Bureau took advantage of Mulder's unique gift and he was deeply 
invested in these cases.  Serial killers, demons within demons.  He 
could feel them knocking on the door of his psyche and it took all 
his strength, all his beliefs to keep them at bay.  If he didn't 
separate himself from JJ, he may drag her down as well.  It was best 
for everyone that he pull away.
     He had no idea what it would do to her, but he knew what it 
would do if she stayed.  Mulder was afraid of what he'd do.  He'd 
become a different person, it was forced upon him.  Crawl inside the 
mind of a killer and you become a monster yourself.  There were times 
when he emerged with just vague memories of what actions he'd taken.  
Visions of horrible acts and pictures filled his mind so that he no 
longer knew what was speculation and what was true memory.  It was 
best for everyone that she leave.

End of Part 3 of 6


*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE  4/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     JJ wiped down the bar getting ready for the night's business.  
Her mind was on the weather.  Dark clouds loomed overhead and 
threatened to open up, probably at the same time she was to walk home.
  She was loosing ground as it was, JJ hadn't slept well lately and 
it was beginning to catch up to her.  The new job was hard, she 
didn't work for a bit of time after Danny died.  Then she tried a 
couple of other diners, but it was always the same.  Low pay and no 
tips.  Mulder had helped her when she stayed with him, but she hated 
taking money from him.  This job was high paying and the tips were 
good, but the man who owned the bar was someone she'd known in her 
days undercover.  A small time hood who had drug connections and was 
thought to have a money laundering business.  Working as a bar tender 
was dangerous for JJ, but seeing the drunks that came and went kept 
her from doing the same as they did.  Maybe it wasn't the best place 
for her, but with her record, no one else would give her a job that 
you could earn a living from and she needed to work.  
     Detective Dannon checked in on her from time to time, he was the 
only one from the old boy's club that didn't blame her for her 
downfall.  It'd been two months since she left Mulder's apartment.  
Her stubborn pride helped her in the beginning.  But she was never 
very good under pressure.
     "What about staying a little later tonight, JJ?"  David gave her 
a little squeeze from behind.
     JJ wiggled out of his grasp quickly.  She didn't like him 
putting his hands on her.  Her work outfit didn't help things.  He 
made her wear a skimpy cocktail dress, the neckline almost meeting 
the skirt hem.  "I don't think so, David, I've got things to do."  It 
was getting harder and harder to keep him at bay.
     "Like what?  All you do is work and go home.  How about a little 
fun?  I got some good stuff."  He leaned over and whispered in her 
ear.
     "I don't do that anymore, David, you know that."
     "No one stops, JJ.  You'll do it.  You know you want to."
     "Just stay away from me.  Let me do my job, David, it's what you 
pay me for."  The bar was just opening so there wasn't a crowd yet.
     "Maybe I had something else in mind when I hired you."  He 
pushed himself up against her from behind, his hands held her hips as 
he rubbed against her.
     JJ sighed and moved away, further down the bar from him.  He 
made her nervous all of a sudden.  JJ didn't normally get spooked, 
but David could hurt her.  Not physically, but she knew he was right. 
 She wanted the drugs.  One slip would be all it took to get back 
into them.  It's funny, she always thought, how she didn't remember 
most of her time while under the influence, yet her body yearned 
strongly to even the mention of them.
     The sudden light from the door startled both of them as it 
opened, then they were plunged back into the darkness of the bar 
until their eyes adjusted to the inside light again.  The patron 
walked up to the end of the bar and took a seat.
     "Get to work.  We'll talk later."  David patted her on the ass 
and walked away.
     JJ sighed and made her way to the other end of the bar.  It 
wasn't until she was close that she realized who the patron was.  
"Mulder, what do you want?  I'm working, I can lose my job."
     "Good, maybe that would be best."
     She glanced over to where David was standing chatting with 
another customer.  "What do you want?"  JJ whispered, resting the tab 
on the bar.
     "Give me a beer."
     JJ slapped a napkin on the bar in front of him and brought him a 
bottle of cold beer and a glass.  Then she walked away, further down 
the bar and began washing a few glasses.
     Mulder got up and slid down a few stools.  "I just want to talk 
to you, JJ."
     "Look, you made yourself very clear.  You don't need me, Mulder. 
 Go find yourself a pretty little doctor or something."
     Mulder took a drink from the bottle but didn't respond.  "How 
about some peanuts?"
     JJ glanced at him, looking to see if he was mocking her.  She 
sat a small bowl on the bar and poured peanuts from a jar.  Then she 
pushed the bowl to him.  Mulder reached out and grabbed her wrist as 
she did.
     He looked into her face, finally catching and holding her gaze.  
Mulder could tell she wasn't drunk or high.  Not yet anyway.
     It startled her and she gasped.  Then she looked over at David.  
She couldn't afford a confrontation.  "Let me go."  She whispered, 
glancing again at David.  "Please, Mulder, he's watching, please."
     He saw fear in her eyes and he didn't like it.  What was she 
afraid of?  Who was this guy?  Slowly he released her arm.  "Promise 
me you'll talk to me.  What time do you get off?"
     JJ stepped back, nervously glancing around.  "All right.  I'm 
done here around three."
     "How's your beer?  Would you like another?"  David came toward 
them from the end of the bar.  Smiling widely.
     Mulder nodded a hello.  "No, thanks, this one is just fine for 
now."
     David turned to JJ.  "We need a vodka tonic at the end of the 
bar, JJ."  Then he turned to Mulder as she stepped away.  "See 
anything else you like?"  
     The man's grin sickened Mulder.  "Excuse me?"
     "She's quite a looker isn't she?"  David smiled widely again, 
nodding toward JJ.  
     "She is a beautiful woman."  Mulder smiled along with him.
     "Are you looking for a party?  Want to have a little fun?"
     Mulder looked him in the eye as he chewed and swallowed a few 
peanuts.  "You'd be able to arrange that?"  Mulder questioned.  "With 
her? What do you charge for that sort of party?"
     "Well, she's quite a feisty one but damn good."  David looked 
over Mulder's fine suit and silk tie.  "For you, five hundred for the 
night.  And that's a bargain, believe me."
     Mulder reached in and pulled out his badge, making sure his gun 
could be seen as well.  He watched as David went pale white, then a 
dark crimson flushed up his face.  "This is not my area of expertise, 
but I'm quite sure you just broke a law.  I can have a hundred 
different departments down here in an hour, half of which I'm sure 
can find violations.  You'll be shut down in a New York minute."
     "What do you want?"  David swallowed hard.
     Mulder leaned over and grabbed the man's jacket.   "Listen up, I 
want you to leave the girl alone ... "
     "I will, I will ... "
     "For good, you don't touch her ... "
     "You got it ... "
     "You don't even look at her funny ... "
     "No problem ... "
     "And you sure as hell don't try to sell her!  You got that?"  
Mulder released him with a slight shove, then smoothing his jacket as 
he stepped down from the bar stool.  He reached in his pocket and 
grabbed a couple of bills, tossing them on the bar.  "I'll be 
watching."  He turned and looked down the bar at JJ, then turned and 
left.
     JJ saw the interaction but didn't know what was said.  She felt 
the fear rising in her as David approached. 
     "Get out.  You're fired."
     "What happened, what did he say to you?"
     "I don't want or need the heat, baby, just get out."
     JJ threw the towel on the bar and walked away, heading to the 
back.  She grabbed her coat, cursing under her breath, and her purse 
and slammed the back door as she walked into the alley.  She was 
still cursing as she rounded the corner. A horn blast almost knocked 
her off her feet.
     Mulder honked and pulled up short, blocking her path.  He got 
out and went around to her side.  "JJ ... "
     "What did you say to him?  You got me fired, thank you very 
much!"  Her voice was loud.
     "Good, you didn't need that job."
     "What?!  And just how the hell am I supposed to make a living?"  
JJ got around the car and started to walk away.
     "You can do better than that.  Wait, JJ.  Wait God damn it, 
wait!"  He grabbed her arm.  "Why can't you stand still?  Why do I 
always have to chase you to get a word in?"
     JJ stopped and stood still with her hand on her hip.   Her eyes 
bore a hole through him.
     "He was trying to sell you to me, for God's sake, JJ.  Is that 
what you want?  To be a whore for him?"
     Her hand crossed his face before she realized what she'd done.  
JJ was so hurt and angry she was shaking.  She'd had just about all 
she could take of everyone using her, her body shook so hard, she 
didn't think she could stop.  She leaned back against the building 
and took a deep breath.  When she finally spoke, her voice was calm 
and quiet.  "Mulder, why are you here?  You know we can't keep doing 
this."
     "Can we go somewhere and talk?  I know you've got to be cold 
like that."
     JJ sighed and went to the car.  She stopped at the passenger 
door and waited for Mulder to open it.  Sitting inside, she was quite 
a bit warmer.  But the conversation was bound to get a lot hotter.
     "I didn't mean to get you fired, JJ.  But it's the truth, he was 
willing to give you up for five hundred bucks a night.  I know you 
wouldn't go willingly, it's not your will that I'm worried about."
     "You're right.  Thank you."  JJ stared out the window.  
     "I don't want thanks, JJ."
     "What do you want, Mulder?  We don't mix, you and I.  We've 
tried it and we just don't belong together."
     "I care about what happens to you, JJ.  You deserve a better 
life.  You deserve to be happy."
     "I screwed up my life a long time ago, Mulder."
     "It doesn't mean you can't turn it around."
     "You can't save me, Mulder, please understand that."
     "I'm not looking to save anyone."
     "Yes you are.  Why do you think you keep coming around?  Why am 
I here?"
     Mulder was quiet as he searched her eyes, the moonlight shining 
on her face.  "I wanted to explain my behavior from before.  It's the 
case, JJ.  I become immersed and I can't deal with anyone.  I'm not 
apologizing for it, it's just the way it is.  It has to be in order 
for me to solve them."
     "You don't have to explain, Mulder, we all have our demons."
     "It wasn't about you, it was never about you."
     JJ nodded and sighed quietly.  She remained quiet during the 
short trip to her apartment.  She was confused and tired.  When he 
asked if he could come in, she was tempted to say no, but he would 
only argue and she wasn't in the mood.
     "Do you want something to drink?"  She asked as she tossed her 
purse on the table.  
     "You have liquor here?"
     It was a mistake from the beginning.  When she left him she 
turned to the liquor again.  Not a great deal, but it was something 
she couldn't stop.  "It's left over, I haven't had any."  She lied.
     "No, thanks, I don't want anything."  He sat down on the sofa, 
his elbows resting on his knees.  "Come here and sit by me."
     JJ was standing in the kitchen doorway, across the room.  If she 
got near him, she'd fall again.  There was something about him that 
made her lose all thought, all reason.
     "Come on, JJ, I promise not to bite."  He smiled.
     JJ sat down with her knees tucked under her body, facing 
sideways, looking at Mulder.  She sighed again, her eyes watching his 
every move.  He leaned back and turned a bit to face her, draping his 
arm over the back of the sofa.  "I missed you, JJ."  Her eyes lowered 
and Mulder reached out and touched her hand.  He stroked the back of 
her hand with his thumb, slowly, gently.  His fingers could feel her 
pulse racing at her wrist.  "Look at me."
     Slowly JJ looked up into his eyes, darker than she'd ever seen 
them.  She tried to read them, tried to find the hidden meaning.  But 
all she saw was need.
     Mulder moved in, closing the distance between them.  "I want us 
to be together, JJ.  I want you to come live with me."  His voice was 
a whisper in her ear as he planted small kisses on her face and neck. 
 "We need each other, we can make it work."
     "I don't think we can, Mulder."  Did he love her?  Was this his 
way of saying it?
     He looked into her face, his hand gently cupping her cheek.  "I 
want to try."
     JJ was afraid.  He was getting too close again and she'd only 
get hurt.  Dare she try?  Dare she let him in again?  His voice and 
his hands and his mouth was making the decision for her.  Why was she 
so weak when he was near?  "I'm tired, so tired."  Tears welled in 
her eyes.  "I'm so tired of fighting it."
     "Then don't fight it."  He pulled her into his arms.

     "I need to find a job, Mulder, I can't sit around here forever.  
I'm a lousy homemaker."  JJ set a plate in front of him.  "I have a 
couple of interviews tomorrow."  It'd been a few weeks and so far, 
they side stepped any problems.  He was between cases so his frame of 
mind was good and she hadn't touched a drop in over a month.  But she 
felt like she was walking on thin ice.
     "What kind of interviews?"
     "Both are secretarial.  They don't pay very much, but it's a 
start."
     He smiled and nodded.  "That's good.  You'll do fine."
     "I have a little money saved, I thought this weekend, you could 
help me find a little car.  I really need to have my own 
transportation if I'm going to get a better job."
     "I can do that.  We can look in the paper tonight and see what's 
available."
     He barely made it through dinner before the phone rang, a case 
had suddenly arisen.  Mulder would be somewhere in the midwest for an 
indeterminate time.  "I don't think it'll be more than a couple of 
days."
     "Do you have to go?"  JJ whined, she didn't want to be alone.  
She didn't trust herself.  There were too many temptations and she 
was going through a bout of depression and she was nervous about the 
interviews.  Mulder went to work every day, worked late most nights.  
He didn't see her disposition, her changing attitude from one minute 
to the next.  JJ would be fine one minute and the next she would 
break down in tears.
     "You know I have to, JJ."  He had a bag packed in no time and 
was heading towards the door.  "I'll call you tomorrow."  Mulder 
stroked her arm as he stood at the door.  "You okay?"  For a moment, 
the veneer was down and he thought he saw something.  Fear, anxiety.  
She looked so helpless all of a sudden.
     I'm scared, I need you, I'm falling apart.  "Yeah, I'm fine."  
Her smile grew and the facade was in place again.  "Be careful."
     He kissed her and was gone.
     JJ closed the door and leaned back against it, slowly sliding to 
the floor.  She hugged her legs and sat cuddled next to the door for 
a long time.  Feeling alone and empty.  She needed something.  This 
feeling couldn't go on forever, she couldn't stand it.  Relief had to 
come soon.

     Mulder stared out the window of the plane.  He didn't like the 
way JJ was looking lately.  Her mood swings were swift and frequent.  
She'd bark at him one minute, then act fearful of him the next.  A 
few times he was sure she was doing something, but he couldn't smell 
the liquor and he knew she wasn't doing drugs again.  Tonight though, 
for a split second, he'd seen beyond the inner woman.  The child 
shone through.  That little nine year old who was molested by her 
father.  Mulder shook his head.  He couldn't deal with it right now.  
He needed all of his wits about him to profile this case.  When he 
returned, they'd go away for a few days.  Relax, take it easy.

     JJ left on time.  She looked sharp, a new outfit.  A slim skirt, 
conservative blouse and a coordinating jacket.  She fought back the 
tears as she brushed her hair.  You can do this, just walk out that 
door.  So she did.  And she made it several blocks before the anxiety 
hit her hard.  JJ ducked into an alley and leaned against the wall, 
breathing heavily.  She was afraid she would pass out, 
hyperventilating.  But she regained her composure.  What was wrong?  
Why couldn't she do this?  JJ had always felt herself a strong woman, 
she'd beaten so much, came through so much adversity.  Why stop now?  
She took a deep breath and straightened her skirt.  It was time to go.

     JJ walked around the corner, feeling a bit better.  But she 
didn't get far.
     "Well, what have we here?"
     "David, leave me alone."  JJ shuddered when she bumped into him. 
 He'd fired her weeks ago and that was the last she wanted to see of 
him.
     "You need a job, JJ?  I can get you some easy money."  He moved 
in close, walking her back into the alley.
     "You fired me, remember?  I don't need a job from you."  JJ 
began to panic when two of David's henchmen stepped up behind him.  
"Look, just get out of my way, David.  I don't want any trouble with 
you."
     "You still with the cop, JJ?"
     She tried to step around him, but he moved when she moved.  
"It's a busy street, David, all I have to do is scream."
     "A lot of people scream, JJ.  No one ever comes running."
     "What do you want?"
     David shrugged his shoulders and his grin widened.  "A little 
payback.  Ever since your boyfriend was by, I've been hassled.  They 
come in every day."  His grin turned into a sneer.  "I'm getting 
tired of it.  Besides, I've watched you, JJ.  You want back in, I can 
read it in your face."
     JJ readied herself for a fight.  Her police training wasn't for 
naught.  But it had been a while and she wasn't in the best of shape. 
 The two henchmen held her tightly as David pulled out a hypodermic 
needle.  She tried to scream and got a yell out before David hit her 
across the jaw.  But no one came to her aide.
     "This one's on the house, JJ.  You know where to find me for 
more."  He injected the drug.  "And if that boyfriend of yours comes 
around again, I'll kill him.  You remember that."
     They dropped her to the ground, took one look around and walked 
away.  JJ was disoriented for a moment.  It seemed she was further 
into the alley that she'd anticipated.  Her breathing quickened as 
she tried to stand.  She knew she had to get home.  Home.  She had to 
get somewhere safe before the effects of the drug took over.

     Mulder let the phone ring over and over.  No one was answering.  
Maybe she got the job, maybe she was working already.  Maybe she was 
at the market or the mailbox.  But when no one answered again late in 
the evening, he began to worry.  Mulder tried her old apartment, no 
answer.  Something was wrong.  He tried another number.
     "Jack, it's Mulder."  He called Detective Dannon.  Mulder knew 
he tried to keep tabs on JJ.  "Listen, I'm sorry to bother you this 
late, but I can't find JJ.  She should be home, but she's not 
answering the phone.  I'm a little worried, can you ... "
     "Sure, Mulder.  I'll check on her for you.  You got any reason 
to be worried?"
     Mulder hesitated.  "I don't think so.  I hope not."
     "I'll keep in touch."  Dannon promised to call him back.  It was 
close to midnight, he rolled over and kissed his wife.  "I got to run 
out for a minute, babe.  I'll be back."  He patted her as she mumbled 
something.  She was used to him having to leave in the middle of the 
night.
     Dannon tried Mulder's apartment first.  Then he worked his way 
to JJ's old place.  There was no sign of her anywhere.  He was headed 
into the office when he saw someone walking along the sidewalk.  It 
was JJ.  She was walking close to the buildings, her arms hugging 
herself.  Walking but going nowhere.  When he stopped her, she was 
out of it, talking softly, but not making any sense.  Her clothes 
were dirty, her purse was gone, her nylons torn.  "Oh, JJ."  Dannon 
shook his head.  He put her in the car and took her in.  It was best 
to lock her up for the night, so she couldn't hurt herself or get 
herself in trouble.  He had no idea what sort of trouble she'd 
already gotten herself into.  She didn't put up a struggle or fight.  
When Dannon got her settled in, he called Mulder.
     "She was where?"  Mulder couldn't believe it.
     "It was in the third ward, Mulder.  I'd just left her place, she 
was a few blocks away.  She's totally wasted, Mulder.  I don't know 
how she got the stuff, but she's out of it.  We took a blood screen 
to find out what it is."
     "Where is she now?"
     "I've got her in the system now.  She'll stay here till morning, 
then I'll have to either book her or let her go.  If you can pick her 
up, I'll release her to you.  But you've got to get her to agree to 
rehab again, Mulder.  Or she'll end up back here again.  Or dead."
     Mulder sighed.  He'd have to leave now to get there, but he had 
an investigation, he couldn't just leave.  "Look, Jack, I can't leave 
here.  What if I can get someone over there to take her and watch her 
till I get back?  Will you release her?"
     Dannon shook his head.  He didn't like this idea, but Mulder was 
a friend and JJ deserved another chance.  "Have them here at nine, 
Mulder.  I'm only going to do this once."
     "Thanks, I owe you one." 
     Dannon hung up the phone and was about to leave when the 
screaming started.  He raced back to the holding cell.  JJ was on the 
floor, backed into the corner, her arms flailing out in front of her. 
 Dannon knew it wasn't procedure, but he opened the cell and went in, 
pinning her arms to her side.  "It's okay, JJ.  Nothing's going to 
hurt you, you're okay."
     "Get them away, get them off me.!"  Her voice shrill and strong.

     "Calm down, it's okay."  He held her till she calmed.  She shook 
violently all over, tears covered her face.
     "What's happening, what's going on?"  She asked him.
     "You don't remember anything?"
     JJ shook her head.  "I'm going to be sick."  She lurched forward,
 making it to the sink in the corner to throw up.  
     "JJ, damn it, why did you do it?"  Dannon through up his hands 
and moved to the bars across the small cell.
     She went back and sat on the small bunk, shaking her head.  "I 
didn't, Jack.  I swear I didn't.  I don't know."  Her head fell into 
her hands.  "Oh God, what did I do?"
     "Look, JJ, try to get some sleep.  I'm going to leave you here 
for tonight, you'll be safe here.  Mulder is sending someone in the 
morning to pick you up."
     "You called him?"  It just kept getting worse and worse.
     "I had to, JJ, you know that."  Jack looked away for a moment.   
It always upset him to see her this way, it's happened too often.  
He'd really hoped that over the past year she'd straightened herself 
out.  Now it seemed it was starting again.  "I'll be back in the 
morning, JJ.  Try to get some sleep."  
     The cell door slammed and she felt it was slamming on her life.  
JJ laid on her side on the bunk, pulling the ragged blanket over her 
legs.  The tears wouldn't stop as she felt her life was over.  Mulder 
would give up on her, she had no one that cared for her.  Why did she 
do this?  Where did she get it?  She wracked her brain but nothing 
was coming.  Her mind shut down an hour later as she fell off to 
sleep.

End of Part 4 of 6


*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE  5/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     Morning came too soon and JJ felt awful.  She was dirty, 
hungover, embarrassed and in pain.  The man who picked her up the 
next morning hardly said a word.  He was a nice little man, not at 
all what she pictured Mulder's friend to look like.  But he didn't 
judge her and he took her straight home.  After a long hot shower, 
she came out feeling a little better.  JJ wrapped the warm robe 
around her and was startled when she walked into the living room to 
find the friend still there.
     Frohike guessed what had startled her.  "Mulder asked if I would 
stay with you.  To make sure you're all right."
     "You don't have to stay, I'm all right."
     "Well, I promised.  I make a mean omelet if you're hungry."
     "No, thanks, I can't eat."
     "You really should try ... "
     "No!"  She wanted to be alone.  She turned apologetic.  "Thanks 
anyway.  I'm going to lie down."  JJ walked back into the bedroom.  
He couldn't even trust her to stay by herself.  He had to send 
someone to babysit her.  She didn't deserve him.  She'd blown it, 
maybe it was best she just left.  Get out of his life forever.
     Her hands shook as she pulled out her suitcase.  It had only 
been a few months, she didn't have everything there so it wasn't 
difficult to pack.  Whatever was left, she could pick up later.  
You're feeling sorry for yourself again.  I know.  Her mind argued 
with itself.  Something she did a lot.  But at this moment, she was 
too deep in self pity to pull herself out of it.  Bottom was nearing, 
but she wasn't there yet.
     Frohike stood up when she walked in carrying a suitcase.  "Where 
are you going?"
     "I called a cab.  I think it's time I went home."
     "Mulder's not going to like this, ma'am.  He expects you to be 
here."
     "Well, he'll be better off.  Listen, I'll explain things to him. 
 It's not your fault."  A horn sounded from the window.  "I've got to 
go."
     "Please, he'll have my head, you can't leave."
     JJ felt sorry for the little man, but he was on his own.  She 
didn't want to face Mulder.  Her world had suddenly crumbled, it was 
over.  She gave the cab driver her address and sat quietly in the 
back, trying to remember what had happened.  Slowly it was coming 
back to her.  She'd felt queasy, she remembered leaning against a 
wall and taking deep breaths.  JJ closed her eyes and tried to 
imagine the scene.  But it was too hard, her mind was too scrambled.
     
     Mulder tapped his fingers on the armrest of the airplane seat.  
Glancing at his watch, he sighed deeply and continued his tapping.  
Damn it, damn it!  He was angry and worried and more angry.  When he 
called to check on JJ, Frohike told him she'd left.  Mulder left his 
investigation in the hands of another agent to come home.  It was the 
first time he'd ever done it.  He was mad, but more so, he was scared.
  What would he find?  Could he help her at all?  Was it too late?  
He fashioned himself her savior without realizing that was what he 
was doing.  Who was he to try to save anyone?  He couldn't even save 
himself.
     Dannon had the results back from the drug screen.  He could 
still hear the words ringing in his ears.  A new drug, dangerous and 
deadly.  "It hasn't been on the street long.  We've had three deaths 
from overdoses over the past month.  It speeds up the heart rate to 
an alarming rate while it slows down the mind.  We don't know the 
long term effects, but next time, Mulder, she may not be so luckily.
"
     He closed his eyes and shuddered as he remembered the 
conversation.  To think that she may have died.  Mulder gathered his 
car from the airport parking lot and headed directly to JJ's 
apartment.

     JJ awoke with a start, sitting straight up.  David!  She 
remembered what had happened.  That sonofabitch!  She wanted revenge, 
but what could she do.  He'd shown what he could do.  Jack wouldn't 
believe her, not after all this time.  JJ was just a drug addict to 
the police.  And she didn't have any proof.  She sat back as she 
realized her hands were shaking strongly.  Clasping them together to 
gain control, she breathed deeply.  Get a hold of yourself.
     Mulder knocked on the door and called her name.  He didn't hear 
any movement and no one answered, so he knocked again.
     JJ suddenly feared him.  She was ashamed and embarrassed and she 
didn't want him to see her like this.  At least she'd been able to 
clean herself up from the night before.  It'd been almost twenty 
hours since she'd awakened in the jail cell.  It seemed like a 
nightmare.  The door shook from the banging and her neighbors would 
get an earful if she didn't let him in so JJ opened the door.
     The door opened without warning and it startled Mulder.  He 
didn't know what to expect, but she didn't look too worse for the 
wear really.  "JJ."  Mulder stepped in and embraced her.  The sudden 
comprehension that she could've been dead hit him like a blast of 
wind when that door opened.  He held her tightly without saying 
anything.
     She hadn't expected it.  She expected him to scream and yell.  
To lecture and berate, not to hold her so tightly.  Slowly she 
tightened her hold on him too as tears began to fall.  "I'm sorry, 
I'm sorry."  JJ repeated so softly it could barely be registered.
     Mulder pushed her away just as swiftly as he'd embraced her.  
"What the hell is going on?  Why didn't you stay at the apartment?  
What happened to you yesterday, who gave you the drugs?"
     "They came out of nowhere, I swear.  He had me cornered, I tried 
to fight."  Everything came back to her in a rush and she talked 
without making any sense.  "He just wanted me back under his control.
"
     "Who?"  
     JJ could see the steam rising, he sounded almost too calm.   
"It's over, you can't do anything about it now.  I have no proof!"
     "Who did it?"
     "Please, leave it alone.  Leave me alone.  Don't you see what 
I've done to us?  To you?  Why do you bother, why do you keep coming 
back?"  JJ was crying by this time, her hands wringing in mid air.  
His calmness was unnerving.  "He'll kill you.  And then me, we'll 
both be dead."
     Mulder looked drained, his eyes drooped, his mouth frowned.  Was 
it worth it?   He asked himself and for only a brief moment truly 
wondered if she was worth it.  Then he put it out of his mind.  If 
nothing else, she was a human being and that alone made her worth it. 
 He cared deeply for her, that made it worth the trouble.  Mulder 
sighed and took her by the arms, sitting her down on the sofa.  He 
sat next to her and let her lean against him, her head resting 
against his chest.  "We need to tell the police, JJ."
     "I didn't remember until just a little while ago, I swear."
     "I believe you."
     "I didn't go to him, I didn't go looking for drugs."
     "I know, I believe you."  He could feel her shaking.  She 
suddenly felt like a little girl in his arms.  Small and frail, 
begging for understanding as if she'd been caught with her hand in 
the cookie jar.  "What happened, JJ?"
     She took a deep breath and sat up but JJ still couldn't look 
Mulder in the face.  "I was going to the interview on Wilchester and 
all of a sudden I got nervous and felt dizzy, sick to my stomach.  I 
stepped into the alley two blocks away to catch my breath.  A couple 
of minutes later, I felt better and was headed out again when he 
stopped me.  Pushing me back into the alley.  He had two guys with 
him.  I tried to fight, I tried ... "  Her voice broke and she 
gathered strength when she felt Mulder take her hand.  
     "JJ, this drug ... Jack said it was new and deadly.  You 
understand?  He could've killed you."  He gave that a moment to sink 
in.  "What if he comes again, JJ?   What's to stop him from attacking 
you again?"  Mulder searched her eyes.  "We have to get him off the 
streets."
     "And if I tell you and we can't put him away?"
     "We'll deal with it."   He waited.  "Please, JJ."
     JJ sighed and wrapped her arms around her stomach as she began 
to rock back and forth.  "Foster, David Foster.  The guy who runs the 
bar on San Palo."
     Mulder closed his eyes and released a breath.  That sonofabitch. 
 He had to stay calm, JJ was too wound up.  He got up and slowly 
walked into the kitchen and picked up the phone.
     JJ heard him talking to Dannon and started to shake again.  
These shakes were coming more frequently and she was feeling sick to 
her stomach again.  She couldn't keep anything in her stomach.  But 
that's how it was when she'd been on drugs.  Suddenly, she needed 
something.  Her mind was racing as fast as her heart.  She began 
pacing, running her hand through her hair.  Walking past Mulder, she 
went through all the cupboards looking for something.  She didn't 
know what, but would know when she saw it.  Her body was craving 
something.
     "What's wrong, JJ?"  Mulder watched her, her body visibly 
shaking, as she seemed to be frantic.
     "I don't know, I need something.  Sweet, something sweet."  She 
pulled a jar of strawberry preserves from the refrigerator and a 
spoon from the drawer and began to eat it from the jar.
     Mulder knew she was going through withdrawal.  He pulled a candy 
bar from his pocket and handed it to her.  He'd gotten it from the 
machine at the airport.  "Here, try this."
     JJ took it and began eating it.  Sweat was pouring from her by 
this time.  When the candy was gone, JJ seemed to be a tad bit calmer.
  She sat at the dining room table and put her head in her hands.  "I 
can't do this again."
     "Yes you can.  You have to."
     "Why?!"  She smacked the table.  "Why do I have to?  Why can't I 
just give up?"
     Chills went up Mulder's spine.  "JJ, you're doing good.  You're 
on your way up, you can do this."
     "I feel sick."  She was up and past him quickly.
     Mulder sighed.  How could he deal with this?  He had so much 
going on right now.  The new development on the regression hypnosis, 
there were things he needed to be doing to help find his sister.  All 
of it seemed to be pushed back for the time being.  Even his job was 
suffering.  He watched her come back from the bathroom and lay on the 
couch.  "You okay?"
     JJ nodded.  "Yeah, I just want to lie here for a while."  She 
pulled the blanket around her and curled into a ball.
     "I have to go see Dannon and I have to check in.  Are you going 
to be all right by yourself?"
     "I'm fine, I'm not a baby, I don't need someone to sit with me." 
 Her voice was tired and bitter.
     He started to respond, but didn't really think it would do any 
good.  "I'll be back in a while."  Mulder heard her mumble something 
but ignored it.  The sooner he left the sooner he'd return.
     JJ tossed and turned.  Her stomach began to hurt, a dull ache in 
the pit of her gut.  Her mouth felt dry and her skin itched all over. 
 The shaking was back with a vengeance.  She needed something, 
anything to make it all go away.  Looking once again, she found a 
bottle of cough syrup in the medicine cabinet.  It took a long time 
before she opened it and drank it.  God, it tasted awful and it 
didn't seem to help much.  She crawled back into bed.  Time passed 
slowly.  Only an hour since Mulder had left.  Only an hour.  She 
wasn't going to make it.  Not without help.
     Picking up the phone, she called an 'acquaintance'.  Someone 
from her undercover days.  Someone who could make her feel better.

     Mulder called out to her as he walked in the door.  "JJ!"  He 
carried a bag holding a few things she may be able to eat without 
getting sick.  "JJ?"  He followed his echo into the kitchen to find 
it empty.  She was gone.  Where would she go?  Mulder saw the open 
bathroom door and peeked in.  All the cabinet doors were open and he 
saw the empty cough syrup bottle on the counter.  "Shit!"  He knew 
where she'd gone.  Or at least what she'd gone after.  
     Mulder was pacing an hour later when the door opened.  She 
looked awful, her eyes were sunken with dark circles under them and 
she was pale and sweaty.  He was almost taken aback.  "Where were you?
"
     "I just had to get out for a little while."  She dropped her 
purse on the end table, avoiding his gaze and went passed him to the 
bathroom.
     "Where'd you go?"  He persisted.
     "Nowhere!  What's with the third degree?"
     "Damn it, JJ.  I was worried about you.  I've been pacing for 
over an hour!  Now, I want to know where you went!"  At least he 
didn't smell any liquor.
     She stood with her hands on her hips, her foot wanting to tap 
the floor.  She turned her face away when he came to her.
     She wasn't pale any more.  In fact her face went flush as he 
lifted her chin.  Her pupils were dilated and she still refused to 
look him in the eye.  "What did you take?"
     JJ pulled away from him.  "Nothing!  Leave me alone."  She 
walked to the window, her arms folded across her chest.  
     Mulder walked over and picked up her purse, dumping the contents 
onto the table.
     "What are you doing?!"  JJ shouted and ran over, grabbing the 
bag from him.
     "What are these?!"  He held up a prescription bottle without a 
label.
     JJ tried to take them but Mulder pulled back.  "Just something 
to help, it's not dangerous."       
     "JJ, that's not the point.  Who gave them to you?"  Mulder 
raised his voice.
     "Mulder, give them back."  She hugged her body, her fingers 
nervously grabbing at her blouse. 
     Mulder shook his head.  "No."
     "They don't belong to you, they're not illegal drugs, they're 
not addictive.  Get out, Mulder.  Just get out of my life!"  JJ 
yelled at the top of her lungs as her voice reached a new pitch.
     The outburst took Mulder by surprise.  He'd never seen her like 
this.  It was the drugs talking.  He reached out to her but she 
backed up.  "I'm not leaving, JJ."  He held his ground.
     Her shoulders sagged as she turned her back to him.  When she 
spoke again, it was barely more than a whisper.  "Why?  Why do you 
bother?  I know what you have in your life.  I know you're a lost 
soul who doesn't need to take care of another lost soul.  I'll only 
drag you down too, Mulder."  JJ turned to face him again, tears 
falling down her cheeks.  "You have plans, you have to find your 
sister.  I can't help you with that and I'll only hold you back.  My 
life is over, Mulder, just let me go."  Her hands covered her face.
     Her words ran chills through his body.  "Your life is not over, 
JJ.  You're on the right path, let me help you stay on the path."
     "Why?"  Her face was full of confusion.
     He searched for the words.  Was it love he was feeling?  Or 
maybe it was just the thought of another soul being wasted.  Perhaps 
he felt that she never had a chance.  Just as he hadn't.  From the 
moment his sister disappeared, his life was over.  He was destined to 
spend the rest of his life finding her and finding out what had 
happened.  He couldn't bear to see that happen to someone else.  He 
couldn't bear to see a life, so young and so beautiful waste away.  
"Because I care, JJ."  Mulder slowly walked toward her.  "Because I 
know what it's like to fight for that small fleeting piece of hope."
     She shook her head.  "I'm not a charity case, Mulder."
     "That's not what I said, JJ."
     "What do you want out of it, what do you want from me?"  She 
angrily hit her breastbone with her fist in question.
     "I don't want anything from you, JJ, I don't want anything from 
anyone."  He reached her and placed his hand over her fist.  "Stop 
hurting yourself.  You've been doing it all your life, JJ.  Blaming 
yourself for what your father did.  It's not your fault.  You did 
nothing wrong, you didn't deserve what he did.  You've been trying to 
end it ever since.  Getting in trouble as a teen, taking a job where 
you risk your life every day and now with these."  He held up the 
bottle.  "You don't need them."
     "Don't analyze me, Fox Mulder!"  JJ sighed in resignation.  But 
she didn't have the strength to argue right then.  Turning, she 
walked away and took her spot on the couch, curling up.
     Mulder looked at her for a moment, then took the blanket from 
the floor and covered her.  He didn't know what would happen, but for 
now, things were quiet.  He opened the bottle and looked at the tiny 
yellow pill.  Valium.  Too many would be dangerous.  They were 
addictive, but at least it wasn't what he thought it was.  Where the 
hell did she get them?

     JJ opened her eyes to a glaring light shining in through the 
window.  She looked across at Mulder asleep in the chair.  What the 
hell is he still doing here?  She had a headache, her mouth was dry 
and everything seemed clouded.  Stumbling, JJ made her way to the 
bathroom.  The image in the mirror shocked her.  Her eyes were sad 
and hollow, her face pale and ghostly.  She could hardly tell where 
her lips stopped and her face started, it all ran together.  JJ 
quickly turned away.  A few deep breaths reverberated through her 
body and she reached over for a towel that she draped over the mirror.
  She didn't want to see herself.  
     Mulder was stirring when she emerged.  He took one look at the 
empty couch and jumped up, turning around.  "JJ?"
     "God, can't I even go to the bathroom without you panicking?"  
Her voice dripped with bitterness.  "Why are you still here?  Didn't 
I say I wanted you out?"
     It wouldn't have been any use to answer, so Mulder just stared 
at her, standing across the room with her arms folded across her 
chest.  After a moment, she turned and went into the kitchen.  He 
sighed heavily and closed his eyes, rubbing them with the palm of his 
hands.  He heard the banging of pots and pans and the slamming of 
cabinet doors.  Then a demand was made.
     "What the hell did you do with the bread!"  She cried out from 
inside the pantry.
     Mulder slowly walked to the doorway and leaned against the frame.
  "JJ, you haven't been living here in months.  You don't have any 
bread here."
     "Well I need to go shopping then."  JJ brushed past him to where 
her purse lay.  
     Mulder grabbed her arm.  "JJ, please, come home."
     "I am home."  She jerked away from him.  Her hands began to 
shake again and she looked around nervously.  "Look, we've said all 
there is to say.  Just go."  JJ kept her stare to the ground.  "We're 
done."  She reached over and opened the door.
     He hesitated, saying nothing for a moment.  Then Mulder walked 
past her to the door.  He turned once, his hand on the door.  "Maybe 
we are."
     She looked up suddenly, his words stinging her, the look in his 
eyes hurting more than the words.  Then he was gone.

     JJ stood by the door, her hand on the knob, for a long time.  
Then she closed it slowly and leaned against the back, gradually 
sliding down to the floor.  She sat there for another hour, staring 
at the window on the other side of the room.  Her mind was blank.  
She thought of nothing, she saw nothing.  There was nothing left for 
her.  Her whole life had been for naught.  Everything she touched, 
she screwed up.  Driven away the only man who ever really loved her 
for her.  Who understood what she'd been through.  No matter what he 
tried, she kept digging, driving him further and further away.  
     JJ spotted the bottle of pills across the room.  She wondered if 
he flushed them during the night.  Picking herself up, she walked 
across the room, her only vision was of the bottle.  The minute she 
picked it up she heard the rattle of pills.  Opening the bottle, she 
dumped them out into the palm of her hand.  They were so tiny, each 
one a pale yellow.  Would this be enough?  The thought didn't seem so 
scary, but a tear fell anyway.  Was it fear or relief?  She sat the 
bottle down and closed her fist over the pills as she sat down on the 
couch.  Her feet curled under her as she laid her head at one end.
     She cried.  Tears fell harder and faster, her hand tightened 
around the pills as her nails dug into the palm of her shaking hand.  
It would be so easy, it would be done, finished.  No more pain, no 
more heartache, no more fighting.

     Mulder started the car and peeled away from the curb.  He didn't 
need this shit.  His anger kept growing.  He tried, God knows he 
tried.  But she was beyond his help.  How could he have loved her 
anyway?  He did everything humanly possible, didn't he?  What was he 
trying to prove?  How many souls did he have to feel responsible for? 
 When he looked up, his apartment building sat in front of him.  
Mulder didn't remember driving there, he didn't know how long he'd 
been sitting there with the engine off.  So many questions and no 
answers.  He'd spent his life looking for answers and it was only the 
beginning.  He had a long way to go and he knew it.
     He thought of her as he climbed the short stoop to the lobby and 
as he entered the elevator.  Mulder unlocked his door and tossed his 
keys on the entry table.  He placed a call to the agent he'd left in 
charge.  There had been no new developments in the case.  He knew he 
had to get back so he told the agent that he'd be taking a later 
flight out.  The next call went to his superior, there'd been a 
message left on his machine wondering what the hell he was doing 
leaving the case the way he had.  Mulder gave him the typical 
'personal problem' response but didn't elaborate.  After all the 
calls, he sat back on his couch and tilted his head back.
     Mulder was not one to give up.  He wasn't a quitter, but JJ was 
her own person.  He didn't own her, he had no right to tell her what 
to do, who to be.  If she was bound and determined to kill herself, 
who was he to stop her?  Kill herself.  Would she do that?  No, he 
couldn't even consider the possibility, she'd come too far for that, 
she was too strong for that.  Then he thought of the way she looked 
when he walked out the door.  Those big brown eyes full of fear and 
pain.  Why wouldn't she let him help her?  Stubbornness, damn 
stubbornness.  

End of Part 5 of 6


*********************************
YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE  6/6
By Patty Hayes
yrld43a@prodigy.com
June 3, 1998
*********************************

     It was three weeks later when Mulder heard from JJ.  He'd 
returned only to leave again for another case.  When he finally came 
home, he was tired and worn and slept for the better part of a day.  
So when the phone rang, he really didn't want to talk to anyone.  The 
machine picked up the call, but Mulder was awake to hear the message.

     "It's me."  JJ said cautiously.  "I wanted to talk to you if you 
have time.  I ... I need you, Mulder."  Her voice broke.  "I'm sorry, 
I'm really sorry.  Please call me when you get back." 
     Mulder sat up and hit the replay button, listening to her voice 
again.  He had missed her.  Missed her smile, her warmth.  He thought 
about her a lot over the past three weeks.  How she was getting along,
 was she even still alive?  Did he really want to get involved again? 
 How could he not?  With a cry for help like that?  If there was a 
chance that he could help her, he had to.  He reached over and picked 
up the receiver.

     JJ sat nervously at the restaurant.  This would make the second 
time she'd called him for help.  It was not easy, her will to survive 
wasn't as strong as she hoped.  JJ didn't like admitting to herself 
that she needed help.  And beyond everything else, she couldn't 
guarantee herself that she wouldn't falter again.
     Mulder spotted her right away, there weren't many people in the 
restaurant.  She looked good.  Not the specimen of perfect health, 
but she didn't look as worn as she did when he last saw her.  He 
smiled and leaned down to kiss her cheek then sat across from her.  
"You okay?"
     JJ returned the smile and nodded.  "I'm okay."  She nervously 
moved her hair behind her ear.  "Thank you for coming to see me.  I 
know I don't deserve it."
     "JJ, that's what I don't like.  You deserve every chance in the 
world.  I don't like it when you cut yourself down."
     "I'm sorry."  Her brow furrowed as she realized she made the 
first mistake.
     "What did you want to talk about?"  he asked after they ordered 
their dinner.
     "I've thought a lot about you lately.  About us and ... I ... I 
want to try again.  Do you think you can give me another chance?"  
Her hands pulled at each other as she waited for a response.
     Mulder studied her, she seemed sober and straight.  He had 
missed her too.  And he did care for her, he cared a lot.  He'd never 
admit to himself that he loved her, even though deep down, he feared 
he did.  He couldn't love anyone again.  It hurt too much.  Mulder 
cleared his throat and covered her hands with his, stilling the 
nervous twitching.  "Are you going to your meetings, your therapy?"  
His eyes watered as he looked into hers, wanting to see the truth.
     "Yes, I am."
     He knew she was telling the truth.  But he could see that she 
was still on tenterhooks, it wouldn't take much to push her over the 
edge.  "Have you 'done' anything recently?"
     "No."  She whispered and lowered her head, her face turning red. 
 She knew what he was asking, had she done any drugs.  JJ was ashamed 
of what she'd become.  Ashamed that she had to be asked these 
questions.  She felt Mulder's hand touch her chin gently, lifting her 
face to look at him.  His smile relaxed her a bit and she released a 
breath.  "I have a good job, too.  It doesn't pay much, but it's 
respectable and it's nine to five."  She was proud of herself on this 
point.  
     "That's good."  Mulder smiled and nodded.  He sat back when the 
waitress brought their dinner and sat the plates in front of them.
     They ate a little in silence.  JJ wondering what was going 
through his mind.  He hadn't said yes, and that meant that she didn't 
have much hope.  "Is work okay?"
     "Yeah, it has it's good moments."  
     He was being unusually quiet and it was killing her.  "Look, I 
know I've screwed up, Mulder.  And I've caused you a lot of pain.  
You have every right in the world ...."
     "JJ, wait."  He interrupted her as he put down his fork and 
dabbed his mouth with his napkin.  "I've missed you too and I want us 
to try again.  But I have to know that you really want this."
     JJ nodded.  "I don't know how to prove it to you."
     Mulder smiled again.  "Let's just take it one day at a time.  
See where it takes us."
     A heavy sigh was released as JJ nodded.
     He drove her home and they sat outside in the car before she 
went in.  Mulder stared into her eyes for a long moment before he 
leaned over and took her face in his hands.  Both were silent, then 
he kissed her.  It felt good, she tasted good.  The memories came 
flooding back into his mind.  But he was moving too fast, he pulled 
back slowly and let her get out.

     Two months went by before they had their first major hurdle.
     "I just don't feel like going today.  I'll make it next week, I 
promise."
     "JJ, this is the beginning of the down fall.  You miss a session 
today, then two next month and the next thing you know, you're not 
going at all.  You need that support, JJ, I know you do."  Mulder's 
voice was raised, but not in anger.  "Why don't you want to go?"
     "I just can't do it now!  I've taken off work too much as it is. 
 I can't afford to lose more time."
     "That's not it and you know it.  Do you want me to go with you?" 
 He asked softly.
     Tears began to fall.  They worked on so much in her therapy and 
it did help.  But now the doctor wanted to talk about her father and 
it was a subject that she wasn't ready to face.  Slowly she shook her 
head.  No one understood what her mind went through with this subject.
  
     "Come on, I'll drive you."  He reached for her hand.
     She was a child again, following blindly.  JJ sat in the car and 
rode silently, she didn't give him any argument.  Her mind went numb, 
as it had when she was young.
     Mulder glanced at her a couple of times.  She seemed almost 
catatonic.  Was it wrong to force her to go?  He reached over and 
squeezed her hand.  "It's going to help, JJ.  You have to let it go.
"
     She didn't respond but she didn't give him any trouble either.  
When they reached the hospital, he went in with her.  He'd spoken to 
Dr. Baldwin a couple of times on her progress and it was she that 
actually suggested he come.  Sharon Baldwin had seen JJ since her 
first days of drug rehab.  She knew the history and had tried 
unsuccessfully on several occasions to get JJ to talk about her 
childhood.  But felt it was the root of her problem and until she 
addressed them, JJ would never completely heal.
     Mulder stood behind a two way mirror.  It had taken a lot of 
fast talking, but he convinced Dr. Baldwin that he be included in her 
treatment.  If he knew what was going on, then he could help her as 
well.  He was as close to family as she had and that influenced 
Baldwin to concede.  But only for this session.
     JJ sat across from Dr. Baldwin in a big overstuffed chair.  She 
clutched a small pillow tightly against her breast, her feet tucked 
neatly under her.  Her eyes shifted nervously around the room.  "Why 
are we here instead of your office?"  she asked the doctor.
     "I felt this room was a little more comfortable for today.  It's 
brighter, we have more room.  Is this all right?"
     "I guess so."
     "You seem tense, JJ.  I understand you didn't want to come today.
  Can you tell me why?"
     JJ shrugged her shoulders and looked away.
     "Is it because of the subject of our discussion today?"
     JJ lowered her head and squeezed the pillow tighter, not 
answering.
     "I know it's uncomfortable for you, JJ, but we have to talk 
about it.  You know that."  Again she waited for JJ to respond.  For 
five minutes no one said anything.  Baldwin was patient.  She knew it 
would take a lot of time.  But out of the blue, JJ began talking.
     "When Momma died, Daddy wouldn't let me go to the funeral.  He 
said it was no place for children.  I remember the night she died.  
Momma sent me to bed when Daddy started to drink.  I could hear them 
argue even though I pulled the covers over my head.  Everyone said 
she killed herself, but I think he did it."
     Baldwin was quiet for a moment.  "Why do you think your father 
killed your mother?"
     JJ's eyes glazed over as she stared at the mirror.  "Because he 
told me."
     "When did he tell you?"  The doctor leaned forward.
     "The first night he came to my room, a couple of years later."  
JJ's voice broke as tears began to fall.  
     Mulder could see her whole body begin to shake and he looked 
away.  He held a certain resentment toward his own father.  He 
remembered the way his father was at the time of the divorce.  He 
remembered how his mother was before and after.  How cold and distant 
she became.  A part of him blamed his father, while a bigger part 
tried to do anything to please him.
     He listened quietly as JJ told her story.  Dr. Baldwin had to 
drag most of it from her.  For three hours, they continued.  JJ cried 
and screamed and threw things.  It took all of his strength not to go 
to her and hold her.  When the session was over, he met her at the 
door and took her hand.  They didn't speak as they rode back to the 
apartment.  Again, Mulder stole glances at her.  She seemed almost 
too peaceful, again, almost catatonic, her mind off in a world of 
it's own.  "Do you want to stop somewhere for lunch?"  He asked.
     JJ shook her head, but didn't speak and didn't look his way.
     Mulder's cell phone went off as they neared the apartment.  He 
was being called in and his presence was required immediately.  When 
he parked the car, he turned to her.  "JJ?"  Her gaze didn't shift.  
Mulder reached out and turned her face to meet his.  "JJ, I have to 
go to the office.  I need to know that you're okay."
     Suddenly her eyes came to life as she reached up and covered his 
hand.  A tear trickled down as she leaned over and kissed him briefly,
 then held her face next to his.  When she pulled back, she ran her 
fingers over his cheek and up to his forehead, brushing his hair back.
  Then she looked into his eyes and smiled.  A slight nod, then she 
leaned in again for another brief kiss.  "Good bye."
     Fear swept over Mulder and he grabbed her arm as she was getting 
out of the car.  "JJ, I won't be long.  I'll be home tonight, okay?"
     She looked back and smiled, nodding.  "Okay."
     Then he released her, feeling a little better.  He was confused. 
 Why had he been frightened?  Because she looked at him like she 
would never see him again.  But then it changed, almost as suddenly 
as it began.  Mulder didn't want to leave, but he had to.  He 
promised himself it wouldn't be for long.  She'd been through a tough 
time this morning, he was shocked at some of things she'd said.  It 
was a wonder she'd made it this far.
     JJ watched him drive away, then almost mechanically, she went 
upstairs to his apartment.  Somewhere in the session this morning 
she'd made a decision.  She was unsure as to when exactly the 
revelation had hit, but it was predestined.  JJ hand wrote the note 
that she wanted to leave for Mulder.  Telling him how much she loved 
him and how this was not their time.  As she wrote, she felt a 
tremendous guilt, leaving without a face to face confrontation.  He 
would try to stop her, she felt sure of that.  But it was too much.  
The shame and pain had won.  Her father had won.

     Mulder tried to call on his cell, but there was no answer.  He 
pressed harder on the accelerator, pushing his way through traffic 
till he pulled up in front.  He raced up the stairs to the elevator 
and tapped on the walls till it stopped on his floor.  A sudden fear 
ran through his body again as he unlocked the door, not knowing what 
he'd find behind it.  She was gone, but her clothes were still there. 
 Then he saw the note taped to the computer.
     With dread, he pulled it off and opened it.  "Mulder, I loved 
you more than I've ever loved anyone.  You have to know that, but we 
were not destined to be together in this time.  I have to go, I won't 
see you again.  But I'll be watching over you always.  You deserve 
more to life and I know you'll find your way.  You've given me the 
only pleasure I had in this life and in a way, my life was made 
better by knowing you.  I'll always be grateful to you for that.  Try 
to remember me with kindness and not contempt.  Forgive me.   Joy "
     When he looked up, he discovered that he'd sat back on the sofa, 
not realizing that he'd even taken a seat.  What had she done?  Where 
was she?  Where would she go?  He knew she still had the old 
apartment, always feeling that she'd end up back there.  That she 
couldn't make it.  He should've seen it, he shouldn't have left her.  
Mulder took off, rushing to the car.  He didn't want to think about 
what he might find.

     JJ sat for a long time staring at the bottle of pills.  She felt 
like a coward.  Well, it was the cowards way out, wasn't it.  She was 
scared, but was she too scared to do it?  Closing her eyes as the 
tears began to flow, she downed the remaining pills and swallowed.  
Then she laid down on the sofa, hoping to fall asleep quickly.

     Mulder had an overwhelming fear that he needn't rush.  That he 
was too late.  But he rushed anyway.  Racing down the short hallway, 
he didn't bother knocking, he pushed his shoulder against the door 
and it opened with a force that took part of the frame with it.  He 
saw her instantly, laying on the couch, peacefully, as if she were 
sleeping soundly.  For a split second, he thought it was over.  Then 
he went to her and found a pulse.  "Thank God."  He said aloud and 
tried to wake her.  When he got no response, he called 911.

     "Agent Mulder?"  Mulder was in mid stride of his pacing when Dr. 
Sharon Baldwin came up behind him.
     "How is she?"  He shook his head when she motioned to the chairs.
  He had to keep moving, he couldn't sit still.
     "She's awake and holding her own.  We pumped her stomach, 
luckily it hadn't made it's way into the blood stream.  Not 
completely at least."  Baldwin sighed.
     Mulder sighed along with her.  "Can I see her?"
     Dr Baldwin looked up into his eyes, hesitating for a moment 
before she responded.  "She doesn't want to see you, Agent Mulder."
     He stood dumbfounded, his mouth open but he was at a loss for 
words.  "What ... what do you mean, she doesn't want to see me?"
     "It's not uncommon, Agent Mulder.  She's going through a lot 
right now.  She feels embarrassed.  She's very angry.  JJ wanted to 
die, there's a chance she'll try again.  I'm going to commit her to 
psychiatric care for at least the next couple of weeks.  Give her 
time."
     They talked for a bit longer, but Mulder didn't hear most of 
what she said.  JJ didn't want to see him.  That's all he heard.

Three Months Later

     JJ's heart skipped a beat when she saw Mulder heading up the 
front walk of the hospital.  He was carrying a bouquet of flowers.  
He'd been trying to see her once a week for the past three months.  
Only once did he miss and she supposed it was because he'd been out 
of town on an assignment.  Why wouldn't he just leave her alone?  
Every time he came, it set her back.  The guilt and shame she felt 
was made that much stronger.  Dr. Baldwin agreed that she didn't have 
to see him.  Not now, not yet.
     She stayed at the window, waiting.  JJ had the timing down after 
the last few weeks.  In the beginning, Mulder argued and waited, 
arguing further.  After a while, he gave up arguing, but he never 
gave up trying.  A few minutes later, she watched him walk back down 
the path.  His stride was faster, harder it seemed, more determined, 
the flowers losing their petals from the beating they took against 
his leg, before he tossed them aside at the end of the walk.  His 
long overcoat flapping open from the wind.  Tears fell down her face 
as he disappeared from view.  She just couldn't do it.

Six Months Later

     Mulder took that walk once again.  Still carrying a bouquet of 
flowers.  Why did he come?  Why couldn't he let go?  It was obvious 
she wouldn't see him, she didn't want to see him.  He was only trying 
to help her, why wouldn't she let him?  It was starting to get to him.
  If she wouldn't see him today ...
     "Is Dr. Baldwin here?"  Mulder asked the front desk.  He turned 
and paced a bit waiting for the doctor.
     Sharon came out a moment later, she made a point to see him 
personally.  Mulder was persistent and she hated to disappoint him.  
"Mulder?"  She'd seen him so much that they addressed each other on a 
more personal level.
     "Hi, Sharon.  How are things today?"  He asked hopefully.
     "I'm fine, thanks.  But I'm afraid today is not the day."  She 
saw his eyes close and his shoulders sag in defeat.
     When his eyes opened, they began to well up.  "I can't come back.
"  He whispered.
     Sharon knew what he meant as she nodded.  He'd done more than 
anyone could ever expect.  It was just as painful for him and she 
understood.  "I know.  I'm sorry."
     Mulder sighed again, a shuddering sigh, and handed the flowers 
to Sharon.  He forced a smile and whispered.  "Take care of her."
     Sharon smiled and nodded, placing a hand on his arm, patting him 
slightly.  
     He turned away and walked out through the door.

     Tears fell as JJ watched him walk away.  No flowers this time.  
It meant he left them for her, he'd done so on occasion.  She sighed 
and started to turn away, but something held her stare.  When he 
reached the end of the walk, he turned around and looked up.  She 
could swear he was looking directly at her.  Could he see her from 
there?  Her hand went instinctively to her mouth as she tugged at her 
lip.  Then she placed it on the window, open palmed.  As if in a wave.
  And she watched as he raised his hand.  He hesitated, then he 
brought his hand to his mouth and blew a kiss in her direction.  Then 
with a small wave of his hand, he turned and walked away.

THE END