Disclaimer: Characters in this fluffy humor piece belong to Chris Carter, 1013 and Fox TV, with exception of one whom I made up myself. Please see more detailed disclaimer at end. _________________ Mulder's Answer by Megan Reilly zzcf89a@prodigy.com August 10, 1996 __________________ Walter Skinner's office was very messy. It had been through a lot lately, after all, and looking around, he realized that it was definitely time to clean. He got up from his desk and approached the dusty pile of boxes over in one corner. They scared him because he hadn't looked in them for so long. For as long as he'd had that office, they'd been there, lurking, in the corner, like the cloying smell of smoke hanging in the air. He was pretty sure they were papers and things from his former office, which he'd left more than five years ago. He couldn't remember what was in them. Skinner looked over the surface of his desk, searching for something - anything! - else to do. There was nothing. He couldn't even think of something to call Mulder into his office to yell at him about. Sighing, he got up and went to the boxes. In the top one, he found an array of trophies he couldn't remember winning, let alone owning. Long-distance running, a Marine award, a joke trophy...if he strained hard, he could almost picture them in the dimness of his last office, tiny and windowless. He set it aside to discard it later. The next box was stuffed with papers, jumbled all together. Skinner frowned, wondering if someone had been searching through them. It's impossible, he thought, because the dust had not been disturbed. A sudden image flashed into his mind of secret government scientists slaving away to invent Spray Dust in a Can. He imagined his cigarette smoking buddy using it. A smile quirked his mouth. No, now he remembered, he'd moved out of his office very hastily, after Section Chief Blevins was terminated from his position for all that scandal. Rumor at the time had implied that Mulder and one of his schemes or cases had had something to do with it. Skinner frowned. Had it really been so long? And was he really so much better than Blevins, since he was able to handle Mulder? Maybe he was. Of course, the major difference was that Skinner *liked* Mulder. But that too had brought its share of trouble. He pulled out a handful of the papers and began to sort through them. Scribbled notes to himself, scribbled phone numbers on napkins, pictures of people he didn't even remember any more. Looks like it's all trash, he thought, pulling out the next handful. It was an application to the FBI. Skinner looked at it, knowing that it should be filed in the agent's personal record and not in this box. Then he realized it was a photocopy and started to set it on the pile of Throw Away documents. Until a name caught his eye and he began to read. "Application for Employment, Federal Bureau of Investigation," it read, "Please check one: clerk, typist, stenographer, Special Agent..." There was a large check mark, twice the size of the box next to Special Agent. "1. Name in full: Last, first, middle." Written in large, sprawling block letters in reply: "Mulder, Fox William. " Skinner had, years ago, been in the personnel department. And this meant that he had been responsible for Mulder's hire. He tried to remember the interviews, but couldn't. So he kept reading. "2. List all other names you have used, including nicknames." Skinner could just image the half grin on Mulder's face as he'd written in his answer : "Mulder." Smart aleck. He skimmed through past residences and educational information until he came to another one: "4. Were you ever dismissed from a school, or was any disciplinary action ever taken against you during your scholastic career?" Mulder's answer? "I had a detention in 8th Grade, but Mrs. Paits really didn't like me. I always got 'needs to improve' in social skills'. Does that count?" *I* hired him, based on *this*? Skinner asked himself. What was I thinking? Lucky for me it turned out all right. Ah, here we go, thought Skinner, settling back against his desk. "References and Social Acquaintances: give three references [not relatives, former or present employers, fellow employees, or school teachers] who are responsible adults of reputable standing in their communities." This ought to be good, thought Skinner, and he wasn't wrong. "Senator Richard Matheson. Occupation: Senator. Business address: Capitol building, business phone: do not disturb." Skinner smiled and read on. "Social Acquaintances. Give three acquaintances in your own age group, including both sexes." "Mr. Langly. Occupation: Magazine writer and researcher; technical advisor. Business phone: Varies. "Mr. Frohike. Occupation: Photographer. Business phone: 1-900-555-HOTT. " Skinner raised his eyebrows. Interesting friends Mulder had, he thought, anxious to see who Mulder's woman reference might be. There was a small squiggle at the beginning of the line as though he had been unsure about who to put down. "Ms. Green," he had written and his handwriting indicated his hesitation. "Occupation: investigator. Business address: New Scotland Yard, London. " Impressive, thought Skinner, turning the page. "Foreign travel - have you ever visited or resided in any foreign country? " "Britain. Reason for travel: Studies. And to meet the lovely Ms. Green. " Skinner's eyebrows were getting tired from going up. "France. From: 12/10/79 To:12/10/79. Reason for travel: Ms. Green needed a companion in France. Once there, I declined." Skinner couldn't help chuckling, wondering what the story behind that one was. But the smile on his face soon faded. "Do any of your immediate family maintain contact with individuals residing outside of the US?" Mulder wrote, in very small letters, "My sister Samantha has been missing since 1972. I cannot know where she is." Skinner paused, and then read on. "Organizational Membership." "Rally's Health Club. The Lone Gunmen, position: Subscriber. The Magician Fan Club, 1971, position: Master Wizard." Hmm, thought Skinner, doing a little math, how many box tops did he have to send in to get that one? "Physical data," Skinner skimmed, "Height without shoes, weight without clothes... describe any disability, including defective vision, if any." To which Mulder had answered: "I have really bad taste in ties." Skinner couldn't keep the laugher from bubbling from his lips, but then restrained himself. What if his secretary was listening? he reminded himself. He didn't want her to think that the Smoking Man was in here tickling him or something. He flipped to the multiple choice portion of the test. "A judge has turned down a request to wiretap a subject. You know the suspect is guilty. You: a. follow his orders b. call the judge c. use your own equipment." Skinner knew that the technically correct answer to the question was a. Mulder had circled b, which should have been a wrong answer. Except that Skinner and some of his other fellow personnel officers had used the test to aid in judge of character rather than to fail people out of the running. And Skinner had found that to be a good character trait. Some things never change, he thought. "9. You are called in to arrest a team of bank robbers. As you arrive, your partner seems to suffer a heart attack. You: a. arrest the robbers b. give first aid c. call an ambulance, then arrest the robbers." About ninety percent of the agents chose option c, because they wanted to show their eagerness. It wasn't correct, but it was acceptable. Mulder had chosen A. Skinner smiled. Good man. There were other multiple choice tests, but Skinner flipped on past them to the last few pages, notes that he himself had written on his interview with Mulder. He wished he could remember it. "Mr. Mulder states he wishes to join the FBI because he has studied psychology and believes that he has a unique insight into the criminal mind. I posed to him many different situations and I believe he may have the potential to become an expert profiler. "Mr. Mulder also stated on his application that his sister had disappeared and that her situation was unknown to him. When asked, he admitted that she had been abducted and since the FBI has jurisdiction in kidnapping cases, he hoped to be able to ease the suffering of other families. "His concern was genuine. In all, Mr. Mulder is an honest, bright candidate who..." Skinner was appalled by his routine, boring, altogether barfy report. How had he ever moved up if he had followed the rules so exactly? he asked himself and returned to reading. The paragraph broke off sharply with a line and continued " ------------ Fox Mulder is highly qualified and will make an agent of the highest caliber. After his elaboration about his sister, I tested him with a hypothetical situation about a kidnapped girl who was raped and returned, and then killed herself. Very professionally, he gave answers and invented many intriguing details about the possible suspect. I then told him we would inform him of our decision and escorted him to the door. Ten minutes later, I visited the men's restroom and a man was crying in one of the stalls. It was Mr. Mulder. "Or should I say Special Agent Mulder? He may be a risk, but a risk in the right direction. He will prove a valuable asset to our profiling division, professional and yet with an intuitive capability to feel." Skinner rose and put the application into his locked desk drawer and reached for the phone. "Agent Mulder?" "Yes, sir?" Mulder's best, what the hell did I do now? voice. "I was wondering if you have any plans for lunch. I'd like to treat you, " said Skinner, aware that he was probably scaring the living daylights out of Mulder, but he didn't care. He liked him, and he really felt he should do this. Mulder agreed and Skinner left the office to meet the agent. His friend. XXX Special Agent Allison Davison entered Skinner's office about fifteen minutes later for her scheduled meeting with him. A frown touching her perky features, she wondered where he was. Shaking her long blond hair, she looked about the room. And found an open box of papers. Sneaking a look behind her at the closed door, she moved to look through them. Applications to the FBI, she noticed, sitting down and beginning to read, this could be very useful indeed. If only she could find the right ones... The end. I don't usually do disclaimer and notes at the end, but I think they work better for this story. So here goes: Allison is mine and she has previously been featured in the Dares stories. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to use her again, and this story is set within that universe. If Chris Carter had a Sliding machine, perhaps he would visit it. [snicker. Yeah Right!!!] This story was inspired by the book "ARCO's FBI Entrance Examination" by John Quirk; it is a test prep book. Questions that appear in this story have been adapted from this book, which had adapted actual exams for study purposes. No infringement upon the book or the FBI is intended. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Please email me with any comments or thoughts you may have on this story. I would sincerely like to hear how you thought it came off, and if you feel a sequel would be enjoyable or appropriate. [Insert desperate pleading here] Megan zzcf89a@prodigy.com